Okay. Fridge is clean now. I can start prepping food for the party. I'm not drinking either, because I want to make sure that I am a good, responsible host, and keep my friends well-fed, entertained, and feeling happy.
The bus ride home with Raptor was interesting. I talk too much. Kind of just exploded on the bus, into a lot of emotional talk, and when we got off the bus, the driver thanked us for the intelligent conversation. O___o She said it's very rare to hear people on the bus have long-worded, intelligent and respectful conversation, and it apparently made her night. That was very cool of her.
So maybe it'll actually do some good to see a therapist after all. That way I'll have someone to openly talk to, that can also help me find solid solutions to the issues that I've been dealing with for the last year, and I won't always have to dump such high emotional baggage on Rap. Goodness knows he's been very patient with me. Course, I am scared about seeing a therapist and having an absolute, uncontrollable, violent, emotional breakdown. -___-
Just so that my friends know, (because I'm tired of acting like it's some kind of big secret...) Tim and I are going through a very tough time right now. The distance is not helping. We thought that we could turn lemons into lemonade with this whole situation of me not being able to stay in the U.S. without a visa.
Tim and I had talked a good while ago, about me being able to live and work on my own for a year, and learn to be more independent and self-sufficient. Mind you, this wasn't supposed to happen for a couple of years, but with the sudden position of me not being able to live in the U.S., we figured now would be just as good a time as any for me to have that year on my own, while Tim worked in Michigan, and came back and forth from time to time.
So, I finally got into an apartment, and finally am getting into the career I've really wanted to, and I am also starting to go out and meet new people, and socialize (because I've not been able to do that for over a year now...) and I am trying desperately to actually cut loose and relax a bit, and have a life of my own.
And our relationship seems to be falling to pieces.
I'm not even going to go into details, or the reasons why. That's no one's business but our own. But I'm not going to sit here, with a pretty, happy face on, and pretend like everything's okay, when it's currently anything but okay.
Some days are terrible, full of pain and fear, and yelling and crying... and other days are wonderful and full of I Love You's, and confident words of a bright and happy future. And if all of the cute, fluffy, happy posts about Tim and I are missing from my LJ at this point, it's because I currently have nothing cute, fluffy, or happy to post about. When I do, they will start showing up again.
But right now, I am feeling very emotionally dead/fatigued/drained, and just trying my best to do happy things to take my mind off of everything that's going wrong right now. Yes, I know it's avoidance behavior, but until I know how to properly deal with these issues, I can't afford to let my irrational feelings take over.
In the meantime though, Tim and I are starting to seek professional counseling, because we are both committed to getting through this rough spot, together. We've both been under a lot of heavy, heavy stress, for a while now. AND, we still love each other very much, and are both committed to building back the strong foundation that we had.
I'm not looking for any sympathy. I am simply putting this out there so that our friends can know what is going on, and also know that we are working on it, together. I'm still here, and am not going anywhere, and will continue to be a loving support for my husband/wife/mate.
Right. Back to my life now, please?