Jessie T. Wolf (wlfdog) wrote,
Jessie T. Wolf

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Zen Practice...

I really need to bring myself into a better, positive, Zen space. I have to work on this.

While I *love* my new job apprenticing for Jorge and his dog training company, now other stressors are very rudely intruding into my life, which I do not like at all. Mind, I have to keep on reminding myself that no one but me is allowing myself to become concerned about a situation that I feel shouldn't even have anything to do with me.

I apparently have an enemy. There is someone out there who absolutely hates my guts and feels very threatened by me, and has worked themselves up into a very frenzied, irrationally emotional state because of this. The mention of my name alone is apparently earth-shattering.

(Mufasa, Mufasa, Mufasa!!!)

Now, normally I could deal with this just fine. There has been the occasional time on an IRC forum where I've had to talk to certain people who misbehaved, and have even had to ban certain people from a chat, for causing a menace to others. I've been called a bitch for this and have received my fair share of Troller comments and e-mails. I've had people detest me for not drawing them free art. A guy I knew once added me to his personal hit list, because I wouldn't date him. Oh yeah, this guy also threatened to commit suicide if I wouldn't date him, which I have absolutely NO patience or respect for at all!

Fuck. I've said it once, and I'll say it again: suicide is NOTHING to fucking joke about or threaten to someone!! I think it is seriously bogus if you are only threatening to do something like that just to manipulate someone else into doing what it is that you want them to do. On the flip side, if it *is* a serious situation, then that person needs to get professional help, so that they don't hurt themselves, or their loved ones. Suicide threats are not a goddamned joke!

Anyway, with all of this said, I am fine and dandy if someone doesn't like me. In the grand scheme of things, the above mentioned people mean nothing to me, because I know that the people who *really* know me would raise an eyebrow to anyone who were to bitch about what a complete asshole I am. You folks out there who are my real friends, who really know me and have interacted with me in person and online, and who know what I'm all about... you guys are the ones who matter to me. I don't have time to be concerned with the people who wish that I would get creamed by a bus. Karma, is all I have to say to that.

So as I was saying, this new enemy now, is a whole new ball game, since this is now starting to cause a sufficient amount of stress for a mutual close friend of mine, and is also interfering with our current living situation. Nothing I hate more than Drama being brought into a shared environment. In a nut shell, my close friend is in a relationship with this other person who hates me and the fact that I'll be sharing the same living space with this friend of mine.

Oh yes, this person who hates me has not actually met me in person yet, nor have they really tried to communicate with me on a decent level, even though I have extended myself at least three times now, to try and show this person that I and the situation is really not as bad as they think it is.

I should *really* have absolutely nothing to do with this at all, (and I feel that I'm really not responsible for this person being so very angry at me) after all I don't control or dictate the lives and relationships of my friends! My friend can do what s/he wants! They will know what my honest opinion of the situation is... but in the end, I respect my friend enough to make their own decisions, and I will be as supportive as I can be about it, even if I may not agree with the end decision.

For the sake of my friend, I am trying *very* hard to be patient and understanding in this, and not get frustrated. I seem to be having a hard time following the whole Buddhist philosophy of The Four Immeasurables: Loving Kindness, Compassion, Sympathetic Joy, and Non-attachment.

I'm having a lot of trouble with the whole Loving Kindness thing. I have a bad habit of getting very indignant when I feel that I've been wronged, and in this case I feel like why in the hell should I practice any kind of kindness, loving or otherwise, when the person hasn't done the same thing for me? I've already tried to be nice and put out a positive invitation, but it has been batted away. Granted, maybe this was due to my lack of good communication skills. I know I am sometimes a bit too honest/blunt at times, when giving an opinion, and I do need to work on this. But I've always tried to be straight-forward in how I feel about a given situation. I probably do need to practice being a bit more sensitive in expressing myself, though. So I can admit a fault on my part there.

Compassion... Honestly, whatever the reason may be of why this person is so worked up, I *really* honestly do hope that they will eventually be able to see a positive possibility in all of this, rather than just focusing and grasping onto the negative. In this sense, they are only making things up in their mind, hanging onto fears of situations that haven't even happened, and ultimately they are the cause of their own suffering. I have acknowledged this person's fears, and I have addressed them. I feel sorry for this person, and I do *not* wish any harm or negative feelings upon this person at all! In fact, I would like to be able to help show this person that this can all have a positive outcome, but I know that's not my decision in the end.

Sympathy... I totally sympathize, because I have had similar worries, feelings of jealousy and insecurity, and lacked trust in others in the past. Heck, I still feel these things at times. But I made a conscious decision and commitment to move through these barriers and limitations, with the help of my friends and loved ones! I still need to work on getting past insecurities at times, but you know what? In doing so, I make my life better, and I make the lives of the people around me better as well.

Non-attachment... this one's got me, because in once sense I am taking the attitude of, I have nothing to do with this. Period. I have *nothing* at all to do with my friend's relationship with this person. However, I'm having a very hard time allowing it to not affect me, simply because I hate seeing my friend, who I have to live in close proximity with, being as upset and stressed as they are right now. On the flip side, I know that it's my friend who has made the choice to be with this person, and in choosing so, my friend is responsible for their own feelings of stress/hurt, and they will ultimately have to deal with it in the end. I don't have to deal with this, and more importantly, I *shouldn't* have to deal with this, and it should never have been an issue to begin with! I just have to remove myself mentally and emotionally from this situation.

Yes... I am invisible. You do not see me. I'm not even there! These are not the droids you're looking for!


Cripes. -____-

*end vent*
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