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Zen Practice... - Jessie T. Wolf
August 12th, 2008
08:01 pm


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Zen Practice...
I really need to bring myself into a better, positive, Zen space. I have to work on this.

While I *love* my new job apprenticing for Jorge and his dog training company, now other stressors are very rudely intruding into my life, which I do not like at all. Mind, I have to keep on reminding myself that no one but me is allowing myself to become concerned about a situation that I feel shouldn't even have anything to do with me.

I apparently have an enemy. There is someone out there who absolutely hates my guts and feels very threatened by me, and has worked themselves up into a very frenzied, irrationally emotional state because of this. The mention of my name alone is apparently earth-shattering.

(Mufasa, Mufasa, Mufasa!!!)

Now, normally I could deal with this just fine. There has been the occasional time on an IRC forum where I've had to talk to certain people who misbehaved, and have even had to ban certain people from a chat, for causing a menace to others. I've been called a bitch for this and have received my fair share of Troller comments and e-mails. I've had people detest me for not drawing them free art. A guy I knew once added me to his personal hit list, because I wouldn't date him. Oh yeah, this guy also threatened to commit suicide if I wouldn't date him, which I have absolutely NO patience or respect for at all!

Fuck. I've said it once, and I'll say it again: suicide is NOTHING to fucking joke about or threaten to someone!! I think it is seriously bogus if you are only threatening to do something like that just to manipulate someone else into doing what it is that you want them to do. On the flip side, if it *is* a serious situation, then that person needs to get professional help, so that they don't hurt themselves, or their loved ones. Suicide threats are not a goddamned joke!

Anyway, with all of this said, I am fine and dandy if someone doesn't like me. In the grand scheme of things, the above mentioned people mean nothing to me, because I know that the people who *really* know me would raise an eyebrow to anyone who were to bitch about what a complete asshole I am. You folks out there who are my real friends, who really know me and have interacted with me in person and online, and who know what I'm all about... you guys are the ones who matter to me. I don't have time to be concerned with the people who wish that I would get creamed by a bus. Karma, is all I have to say to that.

So as I was saying, this new enemy now, is a whole new ball game, since this is now starting to cause a sufficient amount of stress for a mutual close friend of mine, and is also interfering with our current living situation. Nothing I hate more than Drama being brought into a shared environment. In a nut shell, my close friend is in a relationship with this other person who hates me and the fact that I'll be sharing the same living space with this friend of mine.

Oh yes, this person who hates me has not actually met me in person yet, nor have they really tried to communicate with me on a decent level, even though I have extended myself at least three times now, to try and show this person that I and the situation is really not as bad as they think it is.

I should *really* have absolutely nothing to do with this at all, (and I feel that I'm really not responsible for this person being so very angry at me) after all I don't control or dictate the lives and relationships of my friends! My friend can do what s/he wants! They will know what my honest opinion of the situation is... but in the end, I respect my friend enough to make their own decisions, and I will be as supportive as I can be about it, even if I may not agree with the end decision.

For the sake of my friend, I am trying *very* hard to be patient and understanding in this, and not get frustrated. I seem to be having a hard time following the whole Buddhist philosophy of The Four Immeasurables: Loving Kindness, Compassion, Sympathetic Joy, and Non-attachment.

I'm having a lot of trouble with the whole Loving Kindness thing. I have a bad habit of getting very indignant when I feel that I've been wronged, and in this case I feel like why in the hell should I practice any kind of kindness, loving or otherwise, when the person hasn't done the same thing for me? I've already tried to be nice and put out a positive invitation, but it has been batted away. Granted, maybe this was due to my lack of good communication skills. I know I am sometimes a bit too honest/blunt at times, when giving an opinion, and I do need to work on this. But I've always tried to be straight-forward in how I feel about a given situation. I probably do need to practice being a bit more sensitive in expressing myself, though. So I can admit a fault on my part there.

Compassion... Honestly, whatever the reason may be of why this person is so worked up, I *really* honestly do hope that they will eventually be able to see a positive possibility in all of this, rather than just focusing and grasping onto the negative. In this sense, they are only making things up in their mind, hanging onto fears of situations that haven't even happened, and ultimately they are the cause of their own suffering. I have acknowledged this person's fears, and I have addressed them. I feel sorry for this person, and I do *not* wish any harm or negative feelings upon this person at all! In fact, I would like to be able to help show this person that this can all have a positive outcome, but I know that's not my decision in the end.

Sympathy... I totally sympathize, because I have had similar worries, feelings of jealousy and insecurity, and lacked trust in others in the past. Heck, I still feel these things at times. But I made a conscious decision and commitment to move through these barriers and limitations, with the help of my friends and loved ones! I still need to work on getting past insecurities at times, but you know what? In doing so, I make my life better, and I make the lives of the people around me better as well.

Non-attachment... this one's got me, because in once sense I am taking the attitude of, I have nothing to do with this. Period. I have *nothing* at all to do with my friend's relationship with this person. However, I'm having a very hard time allowing it to not affect me, simply because I hate seeing my friend, who I have to live in close proximity with, being as upset and stressed as they are right now. On the flip side, I know that it's my friend who has made the choice to be with this person, and in choosing so, my friend is responsible for their own feelings of stress/hurt, and they will ultimately have to deal with it in the end. I don't have to deal with this, and more importantly, I *shouldn't* have to deal with this, and it should never have been an issue to begin with! I just have to remove myself mentally and emotionally from this situation.

Yes... I am invisible. You do not see me. I'm not even there! These are not the droids you're looking for!


Cripes. -____-

*end vent*

Current Mood: blahblah

(7 comments | Leave a comment)

[User Picture]
Date:August 13th, 2008 12:07 pm (UTC)
Hi Jessie,

I'm a newcomer into your world, so I don't have a lot of exposure to your online self or experience interacting with your RL self.

I sympathize with your feelings about trying to handle a situation of a person who apparently hates your guts, but has engaged in a relationship with one of your house-mates. (Errrp?) I can only hope that the situation doesn't stress you out completely, and that over time, the stress can be significantly reduced.

It's hard to think of you having "enemies". (Errp?) I dislike people who are totally manipulative, pulling the "suicide card" in order to get their way. I completely don't want to have any kind of people like that in my life. No manipulating bastards or bitches. There's enough things to worry about in life, and problematic friends/people are just a waste of time and thinking space.

(I can't believe that one person was threatening to commit suicide if you didn't date them! Fuck that, I'd say! That's being totally selfish and manipulative, and I have no tolerance for people like that!)

I didn't know you had subscribed yourself to the Buddhist philosophy. *smiles* I think that's very noble of you, even if you find it difficult living up to Buddha's ideals!

*warm winghugs* Wishing you all the best, Jessie!

My friend jaxxblackfox thinks highly of you! *beakgrins widely* I'm glad you were always able to brighten up her life and make her smile when you used to be living here in Toronto, close to where Jaxx and her brother were living.
[User Picture]
Date:August 13th, 2008 02:03 pm (UTC)
When you stand out in some way you get lots of friends, lots of supporters, but "enemies" are inevitable. If this person doesn't even know you, it sure sounds like a pretty unhealthy obsession. That whole Buddhist philosophy is awesome but not everyone needs or wants your compassion - or dare I say deserves it. But, maybe your friend will rub off on this "enemy" of yours...
[User Picture]
Date:August 13th, 2008 07:55 pm (UTC)
The person in question is still causing trouble? Oy, I wish I had some advice... but honestly I've never in a position like you are before. Sure, I've had people target me, hate my guts online, troll and stalk, but never anything like what is going on in your situation... :(

I'm sorry Jess'. I hope things improve soon...
[User Picture]
Date:August 14th, 2008 01:11 am (UTC)
It's more annoying for me because I hate seeing my friend all stressed and frazzled and exhausted, like this. I don't really care if this person likes me or not, but how this person is treating my friend is *shameful*. To me, this is not how a relationship should be. Your significant other shouldn't have the power to keep you on the phone, barred in your room for three hours, and not "allow" you to go into the kitchen to get something to eat, because I happen to be out there and they're worried that I may talk with my friend and be some kind of bad influence. I mean, seriously! This is how extreme and crazy this is getting. :/

On a side note, can you book time off of the VEC from Sunday, November 16, until Sunday, November 30th? I will be back in Toronto to sort out my storage locker during the week of the 9th, so I figure we can both leave for Vancouver together on the following week of the 16th. Will that work for you? Let me know if you can book that time off soon and get that all solidified, because I want to buy flight tickets sometime near the end of September. Jorge is looking forward to meeting both you and Taffy, by the way. :)
[User Picture]
Date:August 14th, 2008 08:51 am (UTC)
She is crazy, end of story.

Honestly, shows the person has a lot of personal insecurity issues that are being expressed negatively to the relationship and the people that person feels threatened by. The fact that she has no basis to fear you nor met you in person says enough. I mean it be a different story if she met you first and had reason to express concern, but that is not the case.

In my opinion, one of two things will happen as long as your friend is living with you. 1) she grows up, realizes she is being ridiculous and stops or 2) Your friend dumps her ass like a bad habit.

If it was me, I would tell her to grow up or ship out because I wouldn't stand for it.
[User Picture]
Date:August 14th, 2008 09:34 am (UTC)
You are much better at telling people to fuck off, than I am. :-P I'm straight-forward to a degree, but at the same time, I am really concerned about hurting people's feelings, and am often too nice/naive, and that usually gets me into trouble. But you're right, of course... I think that my friend is finally getting to that breaking point, and either way she will freak herself out and leave, or he will get fed up and remove himself from the situation.
[User Picture]
Date:August 15th, 2008 06:53 pm (UTC)
*nuzzles* I'm sorry, love, that you are "caught" within what sounds like quite an intense situation.

I can see how much your friendience it must be taking... and how much "claiming your space" you need to do, and I know that to do so it sometimes takes a bit of a firm hand to say, "No, I will not let you treat me in this fashion."

I know you are really beginning to stand on your own while I'm working, make your own decisions for your own life, learn just how much you really _can_ handle. I'm proud of you more than I can say, and I have strong hopes and confidence that the strength within you I've felt for so long, will come beautifully into its own. (Knowing you can get yourself out of even the most challenging/stressful of situations makes you not afraid to try, to taste, to explore and to live life to its fullest.)

Still, as always, should you ever need me... I am here for you, my mate.


Miriam sent me this link for a recent radio talk-show on "Creating a Drama-Free Zone."

I think a lot applies to things you are going through... and I think you'd be very happy to see that a lot of the things the host suggests, you are already doing.


("...You're such a great problem-solver... and you will keep creating problems to solve, until you decide to live a problem-free life." - Cheryl Richardson, host of "Create a Drama-Free Zone")

Not to put too fine a point on things, but, this overflow into your life (to put it in terms of the above radio's opening parlance,) stems from your friend's desire to help... to "fix"... and he's found quite the needy cause.

What your friend will needs to do, is to take responsibility for his choices, including the ramifications (some reaching quite far beyond himself) of getting involved with someone with such low self-esteem that everyone and everything represents in their mind a potential threat.

There is little to no rationalizing with someone within a state like that, since the state perpetuates itself with endorphins to which the person becomes quite addicted. And they will do everything they can, (fight tooth-and-nail... mentally, as well as sometimes physically) to maintain their "fix").

("Logic" will bounce off someone within that state of mind, often leaving you dumbfounded. Logic threatens their fix... so they will use the tools they have perfected to conduct the situation almost like a rehearsed score. Where they have grown accostumed to interacting with "logical" mind and how to "defend" against what they would likely see as threats to their state, a logical mind does not usually deal people that far deviant from "average". With practice comes ability... so you would be "fighting" on their ground if you were to try to engage them directly... terrain that _you_ would have to live within if you were to have any hope of truly communicating with them... and that is something I highly recommend against.)

If your friend does "see the light" with the way his choice in significant-other is treating you, then he _must_ take the responsibility to step into the line of fire that _his_choices_ have created, because that significant-other is highly likely to take the "easy target" and assume that _you_ have turned him away from her... for any number of reasons that _serve_her_purposes_of_creating/maintaining_drama_ and the kindred energies that get her the endorphin high she has come to crave.

Your friend, by "letting" his SO's cannon fix upon you, has also donned the responsibility of stepping in front of every blast she fires toward you.

This is responsibility for one's actions... this is beginning to see beyond the moment... this is "growing-up."

I hope that for your friend as well, this is an experience that's learning is retained, as it becomes history... never needing to be repeated.

...In love with you more than "logic" can ever lay bare,
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