Jessie T. Wolf
Believe it or not, I'm going through something very similar ... only I don't have and am not with a lover. I'm with young hard-partying roommates that are making me ill and driving me up the wall, and the worst thing is one of them has a dog -- a pitbull, in fact -- but because I don't feel this place is suitable for a canine companion, I've disallowed myself from getting one here.
I've been trying to move, to break out, to find a quieter place where, for the first time in 7 years, I can at last help fill that horrible void in my soul that only a canine companion can fill. I've come so close, I was so very close, and even made personally very significant purchases chasing a promise that would finally put me there, only for the promise to fall flat.
My hopes were just finally getting up, from my f---ing incessant self-loathing depression and self-dooming anxiety when those hopes were pulled out from under me, and I felt worse than before. I have 'uncertain possibilities' at this point, and feel very turmoiled.
Its weird how similar some of the things you have gone through, as you've described in your LJ, are to some of the things I've gone through. On that, I can't help but wonder if some of the things that went through my mind when I've had times like these in the past are going through yours ... when I was with a lover -- a true lover -- in the past, that stupid voice in my head couldn't f--ing shut up about why -- if my love was so strong with them -- I couldn't just be glad to be with them. Its a horrible, inanswerable "little voice" question, but that doesn't mean for the infinitesimally tiny fraction of a second that it is in any way valid or true. It was very difficult to get through certain moments, even with my true love with me, but even if they didn't have the magic spell to send my despair to the farthest reaches of hell where it couldn't affect me, they did by their mere presence and their love for me give me what I truly needed to get through it: a sense of worth in myself. By their true love for me, I could sense and feel the only worth in myself that I had, since some f---ed up combination of neurochemical imbalances and rotten luck didn't allow me to love myself without them.