Apologies... - Jessie T. Wolf — LiveJournal
I dunno if you've been wondering who the freak I am or if Tim's mentioned my silly fanaticism, heh. This post is gonna be a bit long, full of tangents, meanderings, incoherencies and angst and if you don't need more wasted time or more angst then feel free to just ignore it. I hadn't really pried into Tim's private life ... I got the distinct impression when I finally got to hear him speak during his presentation of Kaze at Conifur 2004 (I'd already had the DVD of course, I was one of the first 700 when it didn't seem for certain the DVD would be printed; I was active on Tim's kaze guestbook before he had to lock it down due to spammers and that's where I had my first 'conversations' with him) that he was a private fur, which I guessed was a professional concern because if he had the rowdy dirty-laundry-airings I've had in the past he might not have gotten on with some of the bigger-name projects he has.
Anyway, I tend to be a bit shy myself ... I'll open up and give TMI when a situation calls for it ... dunno why it does here aside from sympathy with your dire, impending straits and a visible end to several roads ahead. "I don't mean to pry." errp, there's my Tim fanaticism. :P I am the most cowardly when it comes to prying ... I'd rather not poke around and find out something Tim might not want me to know. It was by sheer accident while working on Tim and Kaze articles on Wikifur that I discovered -- from querying someone who edited a post I made with information I was unaware of -- that I discovered Tim's relationship with 2 and the torn hearts that wound up as. This other individual pointed me to some of your LJ posts on what happened. This is when I first encountered "you."
Reading your later posts has struck a cord, especially how you simultaneously loathe insane anti-canine laws where you are but discourage people from risking death for their four-legged companions by flagrantly violating the grotesquely injust laws. While I am a bit removed from Canada, being a smidge to the south, and I've never had to fursonally contend with such $#!t, I've heard of similar laws passed in areas around the U.S. much to my own flustration. I've been very close to past canine companions and feel sorely lonely with my current incapability of having and caring for one now.
I'm not sure if your reputation ills you refer to have to do with the broken triangle between yourse, Tim and 2. If it has something to do with that ... I aired some dirty laundry, much as you did with 2, with an abusive former mate of mine several years back (in the 1990s, in fact, so before this stuff). He had nothing near 2's popularity, but he was a charmer and had friends and fans. I didn't really realize how many, actually, until I made a tell-all post after a terrible fight I had with him -- after he had broken up with me, in fact, and I'd moved out and taken a new mate. I thought I had enemies before, but my ex boyfriend's fanatical supporters gave me such a thrashing I wound up having to kill that online identity and leave the communities I was involved in (there were other reasons too, but that'd be beyond TMI and in the zone of Way, Way, Way TMI).
It is hard for me to accept in my heart, even some 6 years after the laundry airing and the dungheap that follow, that I wasn't wrong in the face of the many individuals who shot me down. That doesn't mean I was wrong. I still remember the death threats, the "I hate you" screaming fits he threw at me, the time he physically assaulted me, the "get out of my house" and the stalking please for me to dump my new mate and return back to him after I finally did leave. I think any rational person, if they accepted those facts as true, that paints a definitive picture that I had authority to post those facts and let people know ... but that doesn't make me feel it in the face of so many insisting I had made it all up, etc.
If this has nothing to do with what happened with 2 then I've just stupidly said a bunch of stuff that isn't relevant at all, but ... well ... I make stupid presumptions a lot. It would be hard for me to imagine you not taking a lot of $#!t from 2's fans, knowing how much Hawk (my ex)'s fans -- much fewer in number -- gave me $#!t, which is what gives me the thought that's probably bugging you (but dunno if its what you are referring to). I would tell you, if my guess is right, to try not to worry about it, but I know how little effect those words have ever had on me. If my guess is right, I think wiser words for me to bestow would be ... stay strong and true to yourself. Take stock of what you have ... your wits, your talent, and -- I trust -- a deep spiritual bond with a wonderful wolf. Leopard. Whatever form Tim's furson takes. :p If my guess is true, I know even the deepest loving bond can't erase self-doubt, uncertainty and regret over past angst. It does not mean the present love is untrue by any means.
My ear's always available to chew upon if you so desire.