Maybe it's the stress of living in this house of 40+ cats, cleaning everything all of the time, only for things to literally turn into shit again just moments after.
Maybe it's the fact that I'm getting sicker every day I live here, and my immune system is failing me more and more.
Could be because my job is getting under my skin, and I have finally made the decision of turning in my resignation at the end of February for the sake of my sanity, knowing that I'll soon have no more money.
Possibly the fear that having no money to be able to get out, leaving me stranded and trapped someplace I really don't want to be.
Perhaps it's the realization that as much as I don't want to think about it... I *will* have to put my dog to sleep sometime in the next three months, as his ability to walk is getting worse each day, and watching it makes me want to cry my eyes out all the time...
Feeling like I'm losing my best friend of many years due to whatever secrets still lie between us, that are slowly dividing us.
And also, the guilt of knowing that I still owe commissions from way too long ago, and am still trying to widdle away at them, one piece at a time... And concluding that I should perhaps just stop, (once I'm done...) and take a break from anything Art and Fandom-related for a little while so that I can pick up, clean up, and refurbish the crappy reputation that I've made for myself over the past two years.
Because I'm stupid enough to let old issues be brought back to the surface, (involuntarily) that bring back memories and feelings that sting like they were fresh, new wounds. By letting myself react, and making an ass out of myself.
Everything that just adds up... and adds up... and then people very rarely ever think when they finally burst...
But it still takes a good friend to hold you, and shake you, and give you a good slap in the face - to make you stop and see. There are a million excuses for poor behavior. But the end result is almost always the same...
And there should be no excuse at all for hurting someone else, just because I'm hurt.