Apologies... - Jessie T. Wolf
You know... it takes a good friend to kick you in the ass when you need it. And lately... I've really needed it. *ears flatten*
Maybe it's the stress of living in this house of 40+ cats, cleaning everything all of the time, only for things to literally turn into shit again just moments after.
Maybe it's the fact that I'm getting sicker every day I live here, and my immune system is failing me more and more.
Could be because my job is getting under my skin, and I have finally made the decision of turning in my resignation at the end of February for the sake of my sanity, knowing that I'll soon have no more money.
Possibly the fear that having no money to be able to get out, leaving me stranded and trapped someplace I really don't want to be.
Perhaps it's the realization that as much as I don't want to think about it... I *will* have to put my dog to sleep sometime in the next three months, as his ability to walk is getting worse each day, and watching it makes me want to cry my eyes out all the time...
Feeling like I'm losing my best friend of many years due to whatever secrets still lie between us, that are slowly dividing us.
And also, the guilt of knowing that I still owe commissions from way too long ago, and am still trying to widdle away at them, one piece at a time... And concluding that I should perhaps just stop, (once I'm done...) and take a break from anything Art and Fandom-related for a little while so that I can pick up, clean up, and refurbish the crappy reputation that I've made for myself over the past two years.
Because I'm stupid enough to let old issues be brought back to the surface, (involuntarily) that bring back memories and feelings that sting like they were fresh, new wounds. By letting myself react, and making an ass out of myself.
Everything that just adds up... and adds up... and then people very rarely ever think when they finally burst...
But it still takes a good friend to hold you, and shake you, and give you a good slap in the face - to make you stop and see. There are a million excuses for poor behavior. But the end result is almost always the same...
And there should be no excuse at all for hurting someone else, just because I'm hurt.
Current Mood: morose
Reputation only follows you around if you let it. People have no insight into who you are and only judge from negative rumors. Drama is everywhere so dont think that you can escape it that easy by isolating yourself from furry fandom.
|Date:||November 15th, 2006 08:22 am (UTC)|| |
Paitence is a virtue. . .
Reputation is what others know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.
The funny thing about reputation, is that it'll be shaped and changed by others, with very little to do with what you do.
The thing about the past though, is that it's just that. Past. I speak from experience here when I say, one simply needs to move on and keep looking forward.
Just be sure not to loose touch with those who still have your back, Fandom Related or not.
Becareful hon, and I wish you the best of everything. Always have.
I dunno if you've been wondering who the freak I am or if Tim's mentioned my silly fanaticism, heh. This post is gonna be a bit long, full of tangents, meanderings, incoherencies and angst and if you don't need more wasted time or more angst then feel free to just ignore it. I hadn't really pried into Tim's private life ... I got the distinct impression when I finally got to hear him speak during his presentation of Kaze at Conifur 2004 (I'd already had the DVD of course, I was one of the first 700 when it didn't seem for certain the DVD would be printed; I was active on Tim's kaze guestbook before he had to lock it down due to spammers and that's where I had my first 'conversations' with him) that he was a private fur, which I guessed was a professional concern because if he had the rowdy dirty-laundry-airings I've had in the past he might not have gotten on with some of the bigger-name projects he has.
Anyway, I tend to be a bit shy myself ... I'll open up and give TMI when a situation calls for it ... dunno why it does here aside from sympathy with your dire, impending straits and a visible end to several roads ahead. "I don't mean to pry." errp, there's my Tim fanaticism. :P I am the most cowardly when it comes to prying ... I'd rather not poke around and find out something Tim might not want me to know. It was by sheer accident while working on Tim and Kaze articles on Wikifur that I discovered -- from querying someone who edited a post I made with information I was unaware of -- that I discovered Tim's relationship with 2 and the torn hearts that wound up as. This other individual pointed me to some of your LJ posts on what happened. This is when I first encountered "you."
Reading your later posts has struck a cord, especially how you simultaneously loathe insane anti-canine laws where you are but discourage people from risking death for their four-legged companions by flagrantly violating the grotesquely injust laws. While I am a bit removed from Canada, being a smidge to the south, and I've never had to fursonally contend with such $#!t, I've heard of similar laws passed in areas around the U.S. much to my own flustration. I've been very close to past canine companions and feel sorely lonely with my current incapability of having and caring for one now.
I'm not sure if your reputation ills you refer to have to do with the broken triangle between yourse, Tim and 2. If it has something to do with that ... I aired some dirty laundry, much as you did with 2, with an abusive former mate of mine several years back (in the 1990s, in fact, so before this stuff). He had nothing near 2's popularity, but he was a charmer and had friends and fans. I didn't really realize how many, actually, until I made a tell-all post after a terrible fight I had with him -- after he had broken up with me, in fact, and I'd moved out and taken a new mate. I thought I had enemies before, but my ex boyfriend's fanatical supporters gave me such a thrashing I wound up having to kill that online identity and leave the communities I was involved in (there were other reasons too, but that'd be beyond TMI and in the zone of Way, Way, Way TMI).
It is hard for me to accept in my heart, even some 6 years after the laundry airing and the dungheap that follow, that I wasn't wrong in the face of the many individuals who shot me down. That doesn't mean I was wrong. I still remember the death threats, the "I hate you" screaming fits he threw at me, the time he physically assaulted me, the "get out of my house" and the stalking please for me to dump my new mate and return back to him after I finally did leave. I think any rational person, if they accepted those facts as true, that paints a definitive picture that I had authority to post those facts and let people know ... but that doesn't make me feel it in the face of so many insisting I had made it all up, etc.
If this has nothing to do with what happened with 2 then I've just stupidly said a bunch of stuff that isn't relevant at all, but ... well ... I make stupid presumptions a lot. It would be hard for me to imagine you not taking a lot of $#!t from 2's fans, knowing how much Hawk (my ex)'s fans -- much fewer in number -- gave me $#!t, which is what gives me the thought that's probably bugging you (but dunno if its what you are referring to). I would tell you, if my guess is right, to try not to worry about it, but I know how little effect those words have ever had on me. If my guess is right, I think wiser words for me to bestow would be ... stay strong and true to yourself. Take stock of what you have ... your wits, your talent, and -- I trust -- a deep spiritual bond with a wonderful wolf. Leopard. Whatever form Tim's furson takes. :p If my guess is true, I know even the deepest loving bond can't erase self-doubt, uncertainty and regret over past angst. It does not mean the present love is untrue by any means.
My ear's always available to chew upon if you so desire.
And hopefully don't have as much angst to dump on the wlfdog as I do. :p
Some of my more sudden and harsh ventings have marked the end of long friendships (as in I reconsidered things I'd accepted that were just eating at me too much).
Part of me wants to know more to help Jessie find peace with herself, but the other part of me knows I tend to screw things up more than help. Its frustrating. I stumbled into "finding" Jessie because of her current mate, but everything I've read has shed the light for me on someone unafraid of doing the right thing, even if its a hard decision to turn on her own heart.
Unfortunately I'm not that sorta friend. Or I might do it, but years later reconsider and turn on myself and my friend. All in all I'm not worth much. Arrgh! This is Jessie's vent, not mine. *smack self*
Unfortunately the more it takes, the more they weather, the harder it is to end a friendship ... and I've had some that have ended after weathering several deep chasms in my life.
You have a bad reputation? Since when. Definately don't listen to the innane rantings of a single troll in a place famous for its trolling.
Always remember this: Wolf Nipple Chips. And if you don't remember that, I'll cry. ^_-
|Date:||November 15th, 2006 04:16 pm (UTC)|| |
Thank you, hon... I appreciate it. *huggles*
|Date:||November 15th, 2006 02:46 pm (UTC)|| |
Wait, 40+ cats in one house? Please tell me this is a VERY large house O-0
|Date:||November 15th, 2006 04:27 pm (UTC)|| |
Unfortunately not. :/
My mom is a very nice person... but she is the kind of person that is *too* nice to say no to others, when they keep on trying to dump stray cats at our house. I've had conversations with her too many times about how it's great that she cares so much for them, but that she can't save them all. She was starting to do much better the past year, and actually turning people down for a while... but then she had some sort of relapse, and about two-three weeks ago allowed _7_ more cats to be brought into our home, (our numbers were finally going down too, at 34…) 3 of which are having kittens. O__O
It is so very hard keeping this house clean... and guess who ends up doing most of that cleaning? I am so incredibly sick of waking up every day to find new pee, poop and puke all over the floors and furniture to clean up. And it _never_ stays clean. Plus with all of the cat fur, I can barely breath anymore on a good day.
My mom's latest decision has made me snap, and next month, right after Christmas, Tim is going to help me pack up and move most of my belongings into storage, until I am able to move the hell out of here, to BC, in March.
Don't get me wrong... I don't usually mind cats. But needless to say, I never want to live with one ever again.
|Date:||November 23rd, 2006 08:55 am (UTC)|| |
Oh man 40+ cats. Yep I'd be dead in a matter of minutes. (Hrrible cat allergy). I imagine that is very unhealthy regardless. Has your mother tried giving the cats to farmers? We used to have 30 cats ourselves on the farm. You don't any friends to stay with in the mean time until you can move to BC?
You should visit us furs in Alberta on your way there and such. ;) We're friendly here minus the rednecks. XD
Oh Jess', I'm so sorry....
My door is always open to you know, whenever you want to spend some time out and away from things, but still be in a safe place. Just to chill. Talk. Watch TV. Whatever.
We're here if you need us.
|Date:||November 15th, 2006 06:56 pm (UTC)|| |
It's amazing what a hug between friends will fix. I offer half of one if you got the other half.
Well Good fpor them for kicking yer ass cause i was close to doing so myself actually;) * hugs* It will be fine we'll settle for You nto being a reculse and forgetting the people you have here:)
I sorta feel you were perfectly valid in your comments. Maybe you were lashing out but you were also concerned. That's one of the difficult choices we are sometimes faced with. Do I hurt someone I think is a nice person with the truth so that they might not get hurt further? Or do I let them go blindly on their way and possibly get much MORE hurt? We go round and round in wondering what is right and what is wrong. It's a human thing and as I said, we're often faced with difficult choices.
You were hurt. You knew another might get hurt like that and didn't want it to happen, though saying something would hurt that person. Conundrum.
It happens. Especially to/from people that have true compassion for others.
Don't hurt yourself with it. Understand it. It's allright to regret it if things just don't work out the way you hoped.
Then take a deep breath. Think of your Tim. And go for a "walk." It's what I do whenever possible.
|Date:||November 15th, 2006 10:23 pm (UTC)|| |
All I have to say is... *big fluffy hugs*
I know you always have a big load on your plate there. And I know we don't talk much, but I'm still rootin for yas. :)
Just make sure you take care of yourself there.
|Date:||November 16th, 2006 02:14 am (UTC)|| |
Hey Sweetie ^_^
Hey hun no matter what your feeling your friends and family will always be there for you I know I will.And iv known you for a good long while and iv always told you im going to be there for you and I always will and I dont plan on dieing down on you anytime soon ^_^! Be safe hunny ill be there to pick you up anytime you all again ^_^.'huggles tight'