On looking back to all of the past relationships that I’ve had, I had to stop and wonder just where I had gone wrong. I’ve had advice given to me by friends - usually when I don’t really ask for it – which had mostly just made me feel picked on and ridiculed in the past, because it felt almost like a popularity contest (it’s never a good feeling to hear your friends hinting on the fact that they don’t agree with the current person you’re dating). There was always a lot of pressure placed on what your family and friends would think of your new Beau, which got kind of depressing after a while.
The thing is though, how would I ever know who was right for me if I didn’t keep on trying? I knew people who would go from one relationship, to another, to another… and in extremely short spans of time. But that’s not what I wanted. I just wanted to find _one_ person… _the one_ being that I would spend the rest of my life with.
I know a lot of people will tend to say the same things in these kinds of situations: “Don’t worry, someone will come along eventually,” or, “Maybe you should try staying single for a while?” or, “You don’t need a boyfriend to make you feel loved! You have your friends!” I’ve heard it so many times, and I know exactly why single people feel bitter about it, because as much as friends are wonderful, it’s just not the same as having someone in your life that you share a deep soul connection and loving bond with.
It was so very hard to trust, but being the kind of person that I am, I just wanted to give my heart openly to someone who was deserving of it. I wanted to find my other half, but after all of the disappointments I had had, I was at the point of just flat out giving up. I figured that, maybe my friends were right. I didn’t need anyone in my life. I could spend the rest of my life living contentedly with my dogs, and to hell with finding my life companion. Besides, as my friends all seemed to think, my taste and judgment in men were crap. Hey, maybe I should try women! …Naw. That’s just not really my thing… Oh, who cares? I’ve had it. Who needs a relationship anyway? Dogs love you unconditionally… plus they don’t argue with you.
When you think about it though, the biggest mistakes I made _weren’t_ that I was open and trusting of people I thought were friends. It wasn’t even the time span of how long I knew someone. You can be friends with someone for years, but then when you decide to try dating that person, it may not always work out, because the type of relationship changes drastically. I only knew J Wolf for less than a year, yet the relationship I had with him was the most beautiful one I could have ever imagined. I was very close to 2 Gryphon for at least two years to begin with, but that didn’t stop our relationship from going horribly sour. There was no way for me to control the decisions that other people made, or most of the events which took place that would usually bring the relationship to an end.
But I realize that I made a lot of mistakes in looking in all of the wrong places, and possibly just the fact that I was even looking at all, in general. You make some of the worst mistakes when you're vulnerable and lonely, and looking for someone to save you who you can “settle” with. It is said that you only find true love when you’re not looking for it. And that’s exactly what happened. At a time in my life where I was weary, and had given up looking, is exactly when I found my other half.
Timothy “Amadhi” Albee - I have a lot of friends, and usually when you’ve met a lot of people in your life, somewhere along the line you tend to forget exactly how you met certain folks. Other times though, a first time meeting stands out so much, that it’s really cool to think back on and remember how it was that you met. :)
I often times think back on how I met J. Blue had bought me a neat wolf key chain for my 16th birthday, and was telling me about how cool it was that she’d found it, and how she couldn’t wait to give it to me (it was one of those mating animal-type key chains that would move when you pulled up and down on the tail). I was excited! I had never seen one of those at the time, and thought that it was just hilarious, so naturally I couldn’t wait to receive it!
Well, I found out on the day that she was going to give it to me that one of her friends (J) had lost it. I asked how her friend got a hold of it. She said that he thought it was neat, and started playing with it, despite Blue’s trying to get it back from him. He told her not to worry, and that he would keep it safe, and that he just wanted to borrow it to show his buddies for a day. Well, she let him, and it turned out he had lost it, and of course I was furious at him. I really wanted that key chain! >.<
So my feelings for J started out quite bitter and angry at how he had lost _my_ birthday present. Then one day Blue came to school with a letter. It was from J. I was a bit miffed, but opened it anyway. And what should I find, but a very sweet letter of apology for having lost my birthday present, and as a token of his sincerity he had enclosed in the envelope a present to replace the key chain: a delicately chained silver heart necklace.
I was really touched. Any feelings of bitterness towards J that I had been harboring melted away at once. He and I started writing letters to each other quite frequently after that. He was very sweet and romantic. A good while later I bought one of those heart-shaped necklaces that come as a pair that you split in half. I wore one half of the heart, and he wore the other. When he got sick and had to stay in the hospital, we had switched hearts. Then when he died he was buried with my half of the heart, and to this day I still have his half stored away safely in a tin box with all of his old letters to me.
Just like how I met J, I don’t think that I’ll ever forget how I met Tim. It just happened to be at a con, though I had written him back and forth for about five months before hand.
At the time of meeting Tim, I wasn’t aware of any problems that had been going on between he and 2. In fact, they both seemed quite happy. It hurt me a little bit, as I missed the idea of being 2’s girl… but I was still very happy that he and I had managed to salvage a close friendship, and were still close enough that we could share affection, with Tim having no problems with that at all. 2 would still play with me, and cuddle me. And even though I was not an official Pet to 2, the way that I had been with Gan, the relationship between 2 and I at that time could have been described as something very Pet and Master like. 2 still gave me the safe feeling I had always wanted, of being owned… while things between Jay Naylor and myself had already started to become rather rocky and unsure.
I had known that Tim was a wolf, according to what 2 had told me, and according to what information I did get from Tim through the e-mails we shared. But you think “wolf” in the Furry fandom, and it’s no big thing. Like my friend Pat is a fox, and Blue is a Dragon, and Iron Raptor is, well… an Iron Raptor. :-P But when I actually met Tim face to face for the first time, I was nowhere near prepared for the amount of feelings that flooded my entire world. O.o
It was at Opening Ceremonies. He was soft and polite, very respectable. He smiled warmly at me and placed his hand on top of mine, eyes shining, “Ohhh, Jessie! I’ve been looking so very forward to meeting you!” And I couldn’t say a darn thing back! I actually felt myself shrinking into my seat, like I wasn’t worthy of meeting such a being as he was (and it wasn’t because of his huge “creator of Kaze Ghost Warrior” status either, because I had never even seen the DVD before, and I’ve never been one to be a huge fangirl to anyone…)! I am _so_ not like that, when meeting people!! O.x
I had only had a chance to say hello to him very briefly before he had to rush off with 2, but he said that he would see me again soon. And sure enough, the next time I saw him was after 2’s comedy show. He was talking with Kage, and I had very quietly crept up beside him, waiting politely to say hello. On noticing me, he again smiled brightly, and we chatted for just a bit, though I have no recollection of what we actually talked about at the time. I felt very odd, and unsure, but there was something that definitely pulled me to him, and I simply couldn’t put my finger on it. It was very curious!
Again, he had to leave, but before he did, he paused, bowed, took my hand in his and gently kissed the back of it. I don’t think that I have ever blushed so hard in my life. @.@
I will admit that I did find myself looking out for him a few times at that con, since there was still something very curious about him that I _really_ wanted to find out. And I did find him again, talking outside with some fur… and again I sat down and quietly waited. He did see me, and came over, and we walked together, and talked. I was amazed at how comfortable he felt to talk with, and soon I had started sharing deep conversations, picking up from things we had talked about in e-mails together.
At a point later that same night, our friend gryph0n had planned one of his famous laser shows to be held in his hotel room, and Tim and I had been invited. Though the laser show started late, and Tim had acquired a little following of fans that had crept into the room, and soon he was off talking about all kinds of deeply spiritual stuff, while everyone in the room seemed to listen with intense wonder. Except for me. I found myself curled up on the bed beside Tim, with my head rested sleepily on his lap, while he gently pet me.
Now, I am _not_ one to let just anyone pet me, or give me a massage. It really surprised me just how comfortable Tim made me feel. I felt very content, like a dog who is just happy to be with her owner. Only Tim didn’t have the feeling of “owner” to me. That was more like how 2 felt. With Tim, it was something else.
Another thing I picked up on very heavily was the fact that even though Tim’s attention seemed strictly locked onto the audience in the room, I could feel another part of him that was entirely focused on _just_ me… and I soon realized that it was his wolf.
It might sound crazy to a lot of people out there who aren’t quite as deeply/spiritually connected to their animal souls… but Tim was the only other true wolf spirit that had been able to touch me in the very similar way that J’s wolf spirit touched me. The best way I can describe it is… well, I’ll try here. Tim and I ended up laying side by side on one of the double beds with the other guests in the room, while we all looked up at the ceiling at Skan’s most awesome laser show. Only, my focus was very far from the laser show, and more focused on Tim’s energies.
It was very intense… and scary at first. I was actually trembling, and he looked to me in concern and asked, “What is it…?” I replied back, quietly, “I… don’t know… I have so many questions… but can’t find the right words to ask…” He again took my hand in his and placed it on his chest, then leaned in close to place his forehead against mine, and closed his eyes. I couldn’t help but close mine as well. The feelings that followed were an almost physical sensation of something literally touching the back of my mind. A huge flood of images, and memories, and feelings completely overwhelmed me. And suddenly my trembling stopped, and was replaced with a feeling of absolute calm and relaxation. Any fears or worries or doubts that I could have ever had in this world had suddenly vanished, and the only beings in that room were the two of us. The only sounds were of our breathing and the beating of our hearts.
He pulled back. I opened my eyes and found a pair of beautiful green eyes looking directly back into mine… He whispered, “I understand,” and I broke into silent tears. I couldn’t help it. I remember hugging him tightly and crying, “Please… please don’t ever leave me again…” though at the time I wasn’t exactly sure why I had said that…
After the laser show had ended, Tim walked me back to my room, but before we parted ways for the night we hugged for a very long time. My feelings of being lost now felt like they had been found in this wolf being… a feeling of “Pack” that I had missed so very much. Though, the next day when I woke up, the night before seemed like just a blur, and I began to question if everything I _thought_ I had experienced and felt had actually happened or not. O.o
Now, I’ve known other wolf spirits before, and “Were” friends of mine that I would hang out with every now and then. We’d go camping, and hiking in the woods and stuff. It was a lot of fun, and they are all very nice beings! But this was very different. None of the others had ever quite had a feeling of “Pack” and “Belonging” that I felt so strongly in Tim.
This was, by far, the most confusing and complicated thing I had felt in a while. It especially didn’t help, because at the very same time this happened was when Jay and I were on the very near verge of breaking up (and I found out much later that Tim had felt equally as worried, as he and 2 were supposed to be engaged).
After the con, once we were all back home, Tim and I e-mailed each other just about every day. Very long, detailed, and thought-out letters, looking for answers to questions that we both thought were long lost. And the more we shared, the more we felt right about these Pack-Love feelings that we shared. Tim and I communicated on an equal level of understanding that seemed very unique. And with the closeness I also still felt for 2 at the time, I felt very much like I belonged to a Family, which made me feel whole again after Jay and I fell apart… For a short time, we even entertained thoughts of seeing if it weren’t possible for both Tim and 2 to either move closer to me, or find a way to have me move closer to them, by hiring me as a character design and storyboard artist for Tim’s future plans for his Kaze series.
Things seemed like they could make for a nice little Triad of sorts for a little while there, with 2 and Tim being a happy married couple, and… uh… well, me just being there as like an adopted family member… or something. O.x They were my Pack, and I was just happy to be involved in their lives.
Though that idea quickly faded when problems began to form between 2 and Tim. Tim and I spent many a night being a support for each other, when some of the lesser-known “truths” about my past relationship with 2 started coming to light. I was a shoulder for him to cry on when things became very bad for their relationship, and when Tim’s doubts and fears completely overwhelmed him to the point where he could no longer continue his relationships with 2 (and if you read about my experiences with 2 in earlier posts, you’ll get the fill-in details).
As my bond with Tim grew stronger, in some ways I started to feel a bit scared. I had gotten deeply involved with others before, only to be strung along and eventually hurt in the end. I had asked Tim one day, because I had my own worries and concerns, what had made him think that things between he and 2’s past relationship had been so very certain? What did the rings on their fingers mean, if there were such doubts about their relationship? And most importantly, if he still would have had his doubts about 2 if he hadn’t met me. His reply gave me much to think about, and consider:
“_He's_ certain... but then, from what he's told me, I don't think he's ever had a love-relationship with a mature individual. We're both wolves... that much struck us both like a "bolt from the blue." He's publicly a great personality... my family all think he's well-balanced, enjoyable, a "good catch"... someone "marriageable" as it were.
“I _wanted_ to be his... in the way I imagined being wolfs-in-human-form could be together here on this world. But it's the nonchalant, almost lackadaisical way of not being in person what he suggests (promises) in email or over the 'phone... basically the way RL isn't even close to the promised, "sweeping me off my feet" so easily said in text.
“If I hadn't met you, felt your spirit... I'd still be feeling hurt about 2's words not matching his actions... I'd still be feeling somewhat abandoned here and there... but I wouldn't be pacing-the-cage as I feel I am right now.
“There is a connection I feel... mind, spirit... and even body, with you... the likes of which I have never felt with 2, (though I would like to). It's like the image within my soul of 2 is out-of-focus, though better than any known before... and could fit if both really decide to communicate and work at the many outstanding issues, but the image of you is sharply defined and fits like nothing I've ever thought possible here on this world.”
Not long after 2 and Tim’s parting of ways, we found ourselves as Mates. It wasn’t something that we were looking for, or had planned at all… in fact, in a lot of ways, it felt very much like how J and I had been, where we simply had no choice but to go with what we felt for each other. Again, there was no “official” asking out to be “girlfriend and boyfriend.” And Mates are much more than that. I truly feel bonded to Tim in a way that I haven’t felt since J died.
So, how can I be so sure that this time will be so much different than all of the others? How do I know that _this_ time it will last? Well, honestly… I don’t know. Not 100% for sure. But then again, the only thing we know for sure is that nothing in this world is ever 100% certain.
I spoke with my friend Solon one day, who is very in-tune with psychic/other worldly energies/past life beliefs, just to get his thoughts on the matter. He said to me one day, “Don’t you see it yet? It’s not just a coincidence. You _know_ Tim. You’ve known him for a very long time. You just didn’t remember until now.”
When I asked Solon what he thought I should do, he told me very flatly, “You’ve already made that decision, ages ago. You can fight it, but why bother? Best to just embrace in it and take that plunge, otherwise you’ll never know for sure, and you’ll spend the rest of your life regretting your decision. Besides… best to not try and fight what the Universe has planned for you, because it’ll catch up to you one way or another.”
I’m still not sure just what I believe. Weather I truly believe in past lives or not… I don’t _remember_ living in past lives, but I do remember feelings of a presence or being that I was waiting for… And in a lot of ways, I do “remember” Tim’s wolf spirit… somehow… We both felt strongly that we’ve been waiting for the other for a very long time, and that we’ve now finally found each other again. Maybe it’s a silly romantic notion. But this time… being with Tim feels right.
His voice makes me dance, and his softness makes my heart flutter. He makes me feel like I could cry and laugh at the same time. He’s honest, and true to himself. Everything he’s promised, he’s delivered. He’s gone to great lengths to prove himself worthy, and has been patient and supporting of me, even through all of the hard times I’ve put him through due to my past emotional baggage. He brings out a more confident, and more masculine side of my personality, which matches his soft feminine energies.
I no longer feel the need to be “owned” by someone, as their Pet… because in him, I’ve found something much, much more. I’ve found respect, and love, and caring, and nurturing. He makes me feel whole, where there had once been a part of me that was missing. And for the first time in seven years, I am truly _in love_ again, and it’s not just a dream. It’s real, and it’s now.
Tim will be moving to Toronto next month, and plans to build an animation studio together are already in the works. Thanks to him, I have confidence in myself again, and I look very forward to seeing what our future may bring.
I love you, my Mate. My Wolf. My Love. Thank you for being you, and for being true. <3