Continued from last night, my thoughts and musings on past relationships. Going over the good and the bad things that have happened over the years, learning from past mistakes, and realizing that without the bad things that have happened I would not be where I am today. These 6-part postings are to make the point that even through the toughest situations, when you feel like giving up the most, there is always a shining light at the end of the gloomy tunnel, if you just let yourself believe in it.
Again, this is not meant to slander anyone’s reputation or hurt anyone’s feelings, as I’ve experienced some very beautiful things with all of these people. So if you do read these, please don’t go ganging up on any of the folks I mention here. These are just my own personal thoughts and feelings that I felt the need to share, as they've been a lot of personal baggage weighing me down for a good while, that I don't want to continue to keep all bottled up and carry around anymore.
(This one is rather long, so please bare with me...)
2 Gryphon – 2 and I have had a really amazing friendship and closeness for three years now. The number 3, in years, might not seem like a very long time to some people… but it feels like ages to me, with what he and I have been through and shared together.
We actually seriously dated for almost a year, but what led up to that was the fact that 2 saved me from Gan. Even though I had half a dozen friends all tell me the same thing, “It’s an unhealthy, abusive relationship! Get the hell out!!” 2 was the only person who was actually able to give me the boot in the ass, and courage I needed to leave my situation with Gan.
After having already been pretty good friends with 2 for about a year and a half, this marked an exceptionally important time in my life. I had been an abused Pet, saved by this strong Gryphon, and all I wanted to do was be his after that. I was extremely dedicated to 2, looked up to him as a hero, and wanted very badly to make him just as happy as he had made me in return. Though 2 did already have a Pet of his own at the time, gravis, and so out of respect for him, I was content to just be a close companion to 2 for as long as he wished me to be.
Funny things do happen over time though, when you get to know someone long enough. It turned out that the Gryph held an affection for me that surprised even himself, since he was, well… gay. O.o But titles of sexual orientation shouldn’t stop true feelings for an individual, regardless of gender, right? So it was decided that just because I couldn’t be 2’s Pet, didn’t mean that I couldn’t be his girlfriend. :-P And with Gravis’ approval, and me already being used to being in a multiple people-based relationship, that’s just what happened.
2 and I ended up dating for about ten months, and things were absolutely _wonderful_. I hadn’t felt so happy and floaty in a long time, and 2 really made me feel like I was special and loved again. It did take a little while to get used to his on-stage and off-stage personalities though. At cons, when he was on-stage, it was almost impossible to get very close to him, and at times I’d feel hurt, or like I just couldn’t approach him at all (despite him telling me many times that I could run up and be with him any time I wanted to). I had to learn to brush off those feelings of being left out as nothing. I told myself that I was just being overly sensitive, and that 2 did love me, but that he’s just really busy at cons. It’s his work, and I shouldn’t take it personally.
So I started visiting him more at home, at the NARFA Cube, and got to spend time with the other awesome Furs there too! ^^ I learned that 2’s personality at home was extremely different than at cons. At home, when it was just the two of us, he was the most romantic, sweetest, most playful and caring guy you could ever have the pleasure of being around. We would watch movies together, and he’d play music for me. We’d go shopping with his family, and have dinner at his mom’s house, (she’s a super nice lady, and has a ton of cats, just like my own mom does). We had some awesome times together on roller coasters at Canada’s Wonder Land, and Cedar Point. I got to sit in on a few episodes of 2Sense. He taught me how to play Chess. He even drove me two hours to Oklahoma one time to spend a day at an animal sanctuary, where we got to see big wild cats, birds, bears, and I even got to go into an enclosure with wolves!
2 would play with me, too! Like, actually get down on all fours, and wrestle, and tickle me, and make me squeak and eep, and laugh, and just feel good all over. ^_^ Play became a very important show of affection between the two of us, and was something that no one else I had been with had ever taken the time to do with me. It was something I greatly honored, because it wasn’t something he did with just anyone. It was very special to me.
I felt like I was living in this wonderful dream that I never wanted to wake up from. In fact, things were so wonderful between the two of us, and I so much wanted to be closer to him, that we had talked about seeing if we could live together. Somewhere along the lines we even ended up talking about getting married, so that I would be able to legally move to the States to be with him.
…Okay, thinking back on it now, that was probably a really bad idea. But at the time, I was so very happy and excited and care-free that I _was_ actually willing to drop everything and leave the life that I had here in Toronto, to literally up and move to Arkansas. Because I felt so strongly for 2, and wanted to be with him so badly, the lovey feelings I felt for him had totally clouded my better judgment of things.
I guess that somewhere along the lines our wires got crossed, and it turned out that what I thought 2 felt for me wasn’t exactly the same thing that I felt for him. In my mind he was totally the one for me, and I was convinced that I would spend the rest of my days happily by his side, especially with all of the wonderful things we would talk about together. Living together, and how we would go shopping and decorate our home together. How we would turn old and gray together. And yes, even how I might one day have his _egg_ (that’s what he called it… I don’t know how a wolf would lay an egg, but okay). He and I had actually talked about what we would do if we had a kid one day, (despite all of his rantings on how much he hates babies) and how we would raise him or her. You know, all of that happy, fantasizing about the future type of crap.
Well, I don’t know how he thought I was supposed to take all of these talking about wonderful future type stuff as. _I_ thought he was being serious! He _had_ asked me to marry him while we were on a giant swing ride at Canada’s Wonder Land amusement park, even though he didn’t official have a ring for me yet. We were working on that. I mean, he was so happy and bubbly with me when we were window-shopping online for engagement rings! So when I found out that… well no… it was all just speculation, and he and I weren’t quite as serious as I thought we were… it hit me pretty hard… :/ What hit me harder was after all of our talk about getting engaged so that I could be closer to him, and live _with_ him, I was totally strung for a loop. I found out that 2 had developed another interest, in a Mr. Timothy Albee, creator of Kaze Ghost Warrior.
Now, 2 and I had talked long ago about how, because of the fact that he _is_ gay, if he ever fell for a guy and wanted to date him, I’d be perfectly fine with that, just as long as he told me. I can swallow just about anything, if it’s given to me in a delicate and truthful manner. 2 didn’t exactly do this.
I knew that 2 and Tim were good friends, but that’s about all I knew. I remember having a conversation with him one day in November, while we were in the car, about what his feelings for Tim were, because I had my suspicions that 2 might have had a crush on him. Especially after he had gushed about how excited he was that Tim had been visiting him for two weeks the month prior. He had told me that yes, he and Tim had been getting a lot closer, but that he figured they’d probably not be more than just really close friends. This sounded to me just like the Gabe and Kota scenario all over again, but I quickly dismissed that idea, because I really didn’t need a reason to start becoming paranoid.
2 had also talked about how there was a possibility that he’d be moving to Germany for a studio job, where he and Tim would be production partners. This freaked me out a little more, and when I spoke of my concerns about there being an even further distance between the two of us, he said that with the money he’d be making in Germany, he would be able to continue to see me, and fly me over for visits, and that our relationship wouldn’t change. So in my mind, at that time, things were just as they had always been, until things soon started to prove differently.
Through the next month or so, of watching 2’s journal, and seeing a post detailing the absolutely wonderful times that 2 had been sharing with Tim, I felt a tightness in my chest start to grow, and my heart started to crack a bit. It started getting to the point where he and I would talk less, as it seemed he was a bit more preoccupied than usual… Until one day, I just couldn’t take the pain that I was feeling anymore, and I called 2 up to tell him that I was going to back off. He seemed very shocked and upset by this, and couldn’t understand. He thought that I was happy, and wondered why I wanted things between he and I to change. I told him that I didn’t want it to, but that things had changed regardless. It wasn’t my choice.
And so I gave him his space to be with Tim, but he swore to me that his feelings for me hadn’t changed at all, and that we’d still do the same old fun things that we always did together. But things did change for a bit, and I started feeling more and more pushed away. I remember on some nights I would phone him just to say hello, and be met with, “Uh, sorry Jess, I can’t speak with you right now… I’m on the other line with Tim,” *click* I think that gareth_rehal can vouch for me just about how many times I’d run crying to him over stupid crap like that, that would happen. O.x
So I finally decided that I should stop torturing myself, and found an interest in fiskblack. Jay was very patient and understanding, and it was a relief to have his support. For a while he really helped to take my mind off of things. And just as I thought that I _might_ finally be getting over 2, I found out something that changed things drastically. It just happened to be at a convention in February, at Furry Weekend Atlanta 2005, where I was the Guest of Honor, and after I had ran up to 2 and jumped up into his arms and hugged him and told him how happy I was to see him… that I saw the ring on his finger.
My feelings of happiness suddenly turned into feelings of slight hurt and confusion, and the following exchange of words went something like this:
Me: “Uhm… what’s with the ring?”
2: “Oh, uh, well, Tim gave it to me.”
2: “A couple of months ago…”
2: “…We’re engaged to be married…”
And it was all I could do to not run out of the room bursting into tears. >.< He was engaged to someone else – no, not just that… _had_ been engaged for a couple of months already, during the time when I thought that he and I were still together… and I had to find out _this_ way, during _my_ time in the spotlight, at the very same convention that 2 had originally planned on announcing to everyone his engagement to _me_ from the very beginning. Instead, he ended up announcing his engagement to Tim at the following Anthrocon.
When I asked him later why he hadn’t told me about this sooner, all he said was that he didn’t know how to break it to me, and he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. Like me seeing the ring on his finger barely a few months later was any easier of a way to break it to me? >.< At this point in my life I was seriously beginning to wonder just what I had done to deserve all of the crap that I had endured over the past six years of Relationship Hell. It was like being whacked in the face with a rolled-up newspaper about fifty times over. I was really starting to wonder if I had been an awful person in a past life, and that maybe this was Karma coming to kick my ass! O.o
Now, to fast-forward just a tiny bit, the slew of emotional damage to me had been pretty hefty. It took me a little while to come to terms with everything, especially while trying to move on, and starting a brand new relationship (and I dragged poor Jay through a lot of my emotional baggage… more on my relationship with Jay tomorrow). But despite all of my bitter feelings, 2 and I were able to start our friendship over from scratch. Even though I had been hurt, I decided to turn the other cheek, after all, 2 and I had had so many wonderful sharing times together… and if Tim really made him _that_ happy, then I should just be happy for the both of them… right? Actually, I was surprised at just how much better my relationship with 2 became after that.
So, 2 soon suggested that I start talking with Tim, and start getting to know him. Apparently 2 had gushed some wonderful things about me to Tim already, “Jessie is the cutest, and sweetest wuff alive! You’ll absolutely fall in love with her!” And so Tim was looking very forward to meeting me. We soon started e-mailing each other, and I was a bit cautious at first, but soon found Tim to be a very sweet and caring being. In fact, any doubts or fears I ever had about Tim were very quickly swept away after finally meeting him face to face at last year’s Anthrocon, when he was the Guest of Honor. Tim was even fine with the fact that 2 and I still had very deep feelings of friendship for each other.
Fast-forwarding a bit more… where things again started taking a turn for the worse. 2 and I began talking regularly every week, and he was feeling down one day. When I asked what was wrong, he started telling me about how he and Tim were starting to have problems (ironically enough around the same time my relationship with Jay had come to an end, due to problems _I_ was having). Or rather, Tim had taken offense to something that 2 had (non-intentionally) done, and was being weird. He asked if I could I please talk some sense into his brain, seeing as how Tim’s a very feminine male, and I’m a girl, and so I’d probably be able to get through to him better than 2 could.
So I did just that. Tim and I began talking back and forth, and I started getting the lo-down on what had been going on. I basically found out that Tim was beginning to have doubts about their relationship, as he’d started seeing some things in 2 that worried him. Other than going through some of the same things that I went through while dating 2, (such as feeling neglected at cons, and being worried about his drinking to name just a couple…) he had started feeling concerned about 2’s “anger,” they’d been having some disagreements, (which 2 thought were settled, but it turned out later that they weren’t) and Tim was just basically feeling unloved.
Tim came to me for a shoulder to cry on, as I was the only one who could relate to him, since I had been through similar things with 2 before. Some of his fears and worries were a bit irrationally based, but I did my best to show my support in any way that I could. I spent a good moth or two trying to give the both of them advice that might help their relationship. I tried very hard to reassure Tim that everything would be fine, and that they just needed to spend some more alone time together, _outside_ of conventions.
But things soon kind of started going downhill from there, as the more and more Tim and I talked, the more negative things we began to find out. One thing being that apparently Tim had no idea that 2 was supposed to have gotten engaged to me. In fact, the time where 2 and Tim had already started to get serious, 2 was still with me… and when Tim had asked 2 if he had told me about the two of them getting engaged, 2 had told Tim simply that, “Yeah, I talked with her.” Just “talked” with me. Not, “Jessie, I have feelings for someone else, and we’re becoming quite serious.” No, no details at all. Just that vague kind of talk that _implies_ that you talked about something serious, when you really didn’t. O.x
Needless to say, this upset Tim quite a bit… I had no idea that he didn’t know anything that had been going on between 2 and I. This knocked Tim’s already dwindling trust in 2 down a few more notches. Things got worse from there, and there was nothing I could do or say to help in any way.
Things finally got so messed up between the two of them that Tim eventually left 2. 2 took the breakup extremely hard… I’ve honestly never in my three years of knowing him seen him as upset as he was. I actually became very scared for a while that he might hurt himself… or worse. He and I had some very heartfelt, crying talks, about how he realized what a huge mistake he had made in ever leaving me for Tim to begin with. How he threw away a good thing, and now he felt that he was paying for it. He apologized to me… and believe me… I felt just as sorry.
To make matters worse, because of the whole situation, and because Tim and I had been a huge support to each other during those rough months, he and I quickly bonded in a way that I hadn’t known was even possible. I know the timing was terrible, but not long after Tim and 2 broke up, Tim and I ended up together…
This lead me to feel very stuck in the middle of the both of them, since I still felt very strongly for 2, and hearing the both of them talk negatively about the other very nearly split me in two. I spent a long time fretting and crying and just feeling hopelessly lost.
2 and I also started arguing a lot more… really petty things that just got out of control. I got angry with him when he posted in his LJ one day about how evil Tim had been to him, and how he apparently purposefully tore 2’s heart out and handed it back to him. I was mad that 2 wouldn’t even acknowledge the fact that he wasn’t the only victim of circumstance, and that there was another side to the story, but all that 2’s fans reading his journal would see was what an evil fuck Tim was. 2 declared that what he wrote was the _truth_ and that Tim had hurt him, and everything was Tim’s fault. Even Tim will admit that he made many mistakes in the relationship, but the fact that 2 couldn’t, or wouldn’t admit that he might have _possibly_ made some mistakes as well just upset me to the point of screaming at him.
I came very close to not talking with 2 after that… but after a few days we duked it out yet again. Even after that set of tongue-lashings, he and I settled things again, and the drama calmed down for maybe another couple of months before it flared back up again.
I have had some of the _craziest_ arguments with 2. I can’t even go into them, because some of them are just _so_ freaking radical, it would make your head spin. I’ve never been in arguments before that defied so much logic I had to sit there and wonder if _I_ was the one who was totally nuts. O.o
2 had told me that he was moving on, and didn’t care about Tim anymore, but I guess he wasn’t as over Tim as he thought he was. The last argument we had was a month ago, and I’ll admit that I was partially at fault because I happened to mention Tim’s name in passing while trying to talk about sled dogs. Had I known that 2 would have freaked out the way he did, I would have just kept my mouth shut. But I made a mistake, 2 flew off the handle, going on about how what a bastard Tim was (again) and how he ripped out his heart, and then had the nerve to steal me away from him, _and_ 2 wanted my sympathy for this.
I was a bit taken aback. It really surprised me just how angry 2 would get, even at just me saying Tim’s name in passing… _and_ I even tried to change the subject afterwards, but any chance 2 had to speak badly of Tim, he would just go on and on, until I couldn’t stand it any longer. I guess it never occurred to 2 that since I was now with Tim, it might hurt me to hear him talking so badly about him.
I had asked Tim a while back if he could please not talk negatively about 2 anymore, even though I knew that he had every reason to feel negatively about their past relationship. Tim had been very respectful, and had not mentioned 2 in a negative light after that, knowing that he was still my friend. Tim even did try to rekindle a friendship with 2, which failed horribly. But even when I had asked 2 to not talk badly of Tim anymore, 2 couldn’t seem to do that for me (as a side note, 2 would call me to complain about Tim while using Vonage, which Tim had paid for entirely).
So hearing him speak badly about Tim, and then having the nerve to ask for my sympathy afterwards really just crossed that line with me. I bluntly told 2 that I wasn’t going to be sympathetic to his situation anymore… that I simply couldn’t be… What was I supposed to say anyway? There was nothing that I _could_ say that would help, or change what had happened. And I had to remind him also that no, Tim didn’t “steal me away” from him… _he_ had left me first.
2’s reaction to that was basically questioning why I had to keep on rubbing that in his face, knowing that he felt guilty about it enough as it was, and how many more times would he have to say sorry for that? I tried to explain to him that I wasn’t trying to rub anything in his face… but how could he complain to me about something bad that happened to him, when he had done the same thing to me? O.o I had also tried to get the point across to him that _even though_ he had hurt me as badly as he had in the past, that I was _still_ his friend!
The argument got to the point where I got so upset I hung up on him. I just couldn’t talk to him anymore, not that night. I just needed some time to cool off, and think clearly. And what should I get in my Inbox not too long after, but a hurt e-mail from 2, getting on my case about why I couldn’t cut him some slack. I couldn’t believe that he’d chase me, instead of just leaving me alone for a night to calm down, and go on to accuse me of “running away” from the situation. And then of course he was all surprised and even more hurt when I sent him a quite furious reply back, which completely went against the real reason of why I hung up on him to begin with. I didn’t hang up to “run away.” I hung up on him because I couldn’t deal with it anymore, and I didn’t want to scream something venomous at him that I would regret later.
In any case, the last e-mail I got from 2 was of him stating that I’ve been a bad friend to him. About how a real friend wouldn’t be treating him the way I’ve been treating him. How I’m selfish and only think of myself, and how I do and say horrible things to him on purpose, because I like to hurt his feelings. Then he ran off to a cabin in the woods for a few days.
I haven’t spoken to him since, and I don’t know if I ever will again. I really feel that by saying the things that he said to me and then running off afterwards, he really severed that last thin piece of thread that our friendship was hanging by. And I won’t chase him either, the way he chased me when I was upset. We’ve both made each other equally nuts before, and even as angry as I’ve been at him in the past, I would never _ever_ have called him a bad friend… >.< Everything that he accused me of, he did himself.
No doubt if he reads this I’m sure he’ll be just livid, and again think that I did this on purpose to make him look bad, and hurt whatever bit of his pride is left. He’ll think what he wants, I’ve learned that the hard way. But as he said when writing about Tim in his own LJ, this is _my_ version of the truth about what happened, and I’m only writing this to get my thoughts out in the open. People will take from it what they want, but I’ve got what I had to say out.