Continued from last night, my thoughts and musings on past relationships. Going over the good and the bad things that have happened over the years, learning from past mistakes, and realizing that without the bad things that have happened I would not be where I am today. These 6-part postings are to make the point that even through the toughest situations, when you feel like giving up the most, there is always a shining light at the end of the gloomy tunnel, if you just let yourself believe in it.
Again, this is not meant to slander anyone’s reputation or hurt anyone’s feelings, as I’ve experienced some very beautiful things with all of these people. So if you do read these, please don’t go ganging up on any of the folks I mention here. These are just my own personal thoughts and feelings that I felt the need to share, as they've been a lot of personal baggage weighing me down for a good while, that I don't want to continue to keep all bottled up and carry around anymore.
Ganador Rex – (I apologize in advance for this one.) Ah, yes. The very same Ganador who is currently the boyfriend of Ms. Jen “Spunky” Seng (and Jen, if you do happen to come across this post, I mean no offense to you at all. I think you’re a very nice person and an extremely talented artist. This is nothing against you, so please don’t take it personally. I just have past issues with your boy, that’s all).
Famous in the fandom for his model-like good looks and poofy hair, he’s sexy and charming, is an extremely sweet talker and knows just how to sweep almost any girl off of their feet, if you give him half the chance. But dear Ladies, (and Gents – he’s not picky) don’t be fooled by his suave “Australian” accent, and hypnotizing eyes. I think that Gan fits the perfect profile for why there are so many damsels in distress when it comes to dragons.
Gan happened at a time where I was feeling most vulnerable, particularly after Gabe and I broke up. After almost a year, I had still not really gotten over my relationship with Gabe, and felt lonely and unloved, and the times I had spent with Gabe and Kota, it was rather painful for me to see them together at that point in my life. It was just another reminder of how alone I was, and I wanted someone in my life again who would make me feel special.
So my first year at Anthrocon in 2003 was where I met Gan. He was very sweet, and funny, and we spent quite a few hours hanging out and drawing together and chatting the first night of the con. He made me laugh, and made me feel attractive and wanted, so at the time I figured why not let myself have a bit of fun for a change?
And… yeah. What the hell are the chances that after what was supposed to be a one-night-fling ended up becoming a huge chapter of Drama that is still continuing to this very day? Of course it all started off nicely enough. He approached me the next day and was friendly and charming, and we exchanged IM info. We ended up talking every day, and soon became rather close. He was a really good friend to me for a while, actually. At least I thought so. O.o
See, anyone who really knows Gan also knows that he is notorious for getting involved with multiple people at the same time. And I knew this from the very beginning. He was honest, and he told me flat out, “I don’t commit to anyone. I see who I want to see, whenever I want, and if you’re okay with that, then we can have a lot of fun together.”
At the time, this didn’t bother me because I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend. I was simply looking for a temporary escape from my miserable single life, and Gan filled that empty spot by making me feel loved and wanted. So I figured that as long as it was clear that nothing serious between the two of us would ever happen, I went along with it, and before I knew it I had adopted the role as his Pet (yes, I was into that kind of thing at the time).
What started off as a supposed harmless Fantasy was soon shattered into a million pieces when I found out that he had a _serious girlfriend_! I had known of girls he was seeing at the same time he was also seeing me, and even became friends with some of them, but this was all under the understanding that he told these girls the same thing he told me; ie. he doesn’t commit and he sees multiple people.
Well, I found out later that he _does_ in fact tell all girls the same thing: he wants and loves them, and _only_ them, and is committed to that person only. I found this out through personal chat logs sent to me by good friends, where his lines were _mirror_ images of conversations I had had with him in the past. I’m not even joking either. All you’d have to do was replace my name with X girl’s name and it was the exact same BS. Everything had been scripted, and very convincingly so. He’ll literally say _anything_ to save his ass, no matter how radical it might be. He’s even gone so far as to adopt religious beliefs if it will win over the girl he has his sights set on. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to!
But I confronted him on it nevertheless. When I found out that he had told a certain girl that he was seeing her exclusively, (all the while still continuing to see me, and at least two other girls that I knew at the same time, behind her back) my little red flags started flashing. I told him that I didn’t feel right about being involved with him on the level that I was if he was lying to others about it, and that I only wanted to be friends.
He made a huge deal about it, stating that he and this particular girl were having problems in their relationship, and that he had plans to dump her anyway, but he had to do it slowly and softly, so that he could keep their friendship intact. Then he started giving me the same lines of, “I want you, and only you… I’ll end things with her,” and continued with the guilt trips, including bawling his eyes out and begging me not to leave him. He told me just how important I was to him, and that he’d do anything for me. I said, “Then tell her the _truth_.”
That’s all I ever really wanted from Gan. I didn’t _want_ him as _my_ boyfriend. I just wanted him to stop messing around, and start being honest, and so I stayed with him a bit longer because I stupidly put faith in him that he would do what was right. Though after a few more months of the same crap, I started to realize that he would never tell the truth or change his ways.
By that point I was starting to feel trapped. Being a Pet can be a terrible thing when you’re being tossed back and forth between having feelings of extreme guilt, yet feeling torn because as a Pet I was supposed to be loyal to him. I got so wrapped up and confused in Gan’s world that I couldn’t tell what was up or down. In the words of Dead Or Alive's, “You spin me right ‘round, baby, right ‘round,” only not in the very good way… and more like in the very nauseous kind of way that makes you totter around and then fall flat on your face afterwards.
I was so upset and desperate to get out of that situation, but didn’t have the strength to at the time, because I was so worn out by all of the things that had happened. And so I finally just broke down and took a trip, because I needed to get away from all of the crazy shit that Gan had stirred up. I went to visit my good friend 2_gryphon for a week to scoop my brain back up.
The trip did me wonders, and when I got back home I bit the bullet, left Gan, and then told his girlfriend that he had been cheating on her with me and countless others at the same time. I think that was the hardest shit I’ve ever had to do in my life. O.x
And to this very day, as far as I know, (I get snippets of info every now and then about whatever new girl’s been screwed over or chased after by Gan) he’s still singing the same old song, even though he’ll deny any type of proof you can throw in his face. He’s a pathological liar, he really truly _believes_ his own lies, and anybody who tries to call him on it will forever be an enemy in his eyes. Just as I’m fairly sure he’s told other girls about how much _I_ broke _his_ heart, and lied to him, and stole his “happy floofiness.” He lives in his fantasy world where everything is as he sees it, and that is truth enough to him.
Sometimes I wonder if the friendship that he and I once had was actually genuine or not. It’s hard for me to believe that someone could ever be that good at faking friendship… and then again maybe I’m just extremely trusting and naïve for my own good. >.< But I know of a lot of people who have had similar experiences with Gan, and more who have been warned about him. Sometimes I wish that someone had warned _me_ about him, but then I wonder if it would have made any difference.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to seriously despise him, simply because I still remember the good times I did have with him, when we were friends. There were times where I actually did miss being his Pet, although they were very fleeting. Besides, it’s not really my way to harbor any real hatred for any specific person, though I can definitely hate the evil crap that certain people do! It just really makes me sad though, because all I wanted to do was help him make the right choices.
I actually spoke with Gan briefly at this past Midwest FurFest. I don’t really know why. All I got was the same guilt-trip type stuff, about how much he’ll always still love me, even though I stole his heart away. I asked him a blunt question:
Me: “Gan, do you love Jen?”
Gan: “Yes… but we have our problems in the relationship which are private and…”
Me: “Gan, I don’t _care_ about what problems in your relationship you may or may not have with Jen… or if _she_ is even aware of any of these ‘problems.’ I’m just asking you, do you _love_ her?”
Me: “Then _don’t_ screw up with her, the way you did with me and so many others. Be fair to Jen, be _honest_ and treat her right. You set yourself up to make mistakes. Please don’t do it again.”
I don’t think a word of what I said got through to him, since he was comfortable enough to lie straight to my face at MFF while looking me directly in the eye, while tears welled up in his. But I had to say my piece. And what can be sure is that if he does end up hurting his current love, I know about a hundred people who will come down on him like a two-ton sac of bricks. Goodness help him. I know I couldn’t. O.x