Not really "Officially" back, but... - Jessie T. Wolf — LiveJournal
Not really "Officially" back, but...|
I just had to say something. As long as there is a LJ community, and people will read shit, might as well get it all in the open, right? I mean hell, it's going to get around ANYWAY, eventually, so why hold back my feelings on the matter?
I'm very disappointed. Extremely. It's not like I haven't already lost enough faith in the Human Race, but then to see friends turn around and turn into flakes really just turns my opinion of people off that much more.
I just got off the fucking phone with you, man... we were happy, and we made each other laugh.... just like we always do. And chalk it up to our relationship being the fact that we can be pissed off and yelling at each other one minute, but know we still love each other to death when it all boils down to it... I don't know. Maybe after reading this, you may be so upset with me that you never want to talk to me again. I already felt like I lost you once, and maybe I'll just seal the deal now, but I have to say what's on my mind, just as YOU apparently had to say what was on yours in your own Live Journal, instead of being courteous enough to just keep private shit to yourself.
You say you don't want sympathy? Not what it looks like to me. If that was the case, and if it were not just a cry for attention, then you could have kept your entry short and sweet. You didn't NEED to go into more detail, especially since we JUST fucking talked about how LJ readers will tend to "gang up" on other people in what they think to be is a defense of that person who's "hurting so very badly."
You just turned someone into public enemy number one, when people don't even know that there's a total other side to the story. Your interpretations are your interpretations... but there are two fucking sides to the coin. _2_SIDES! Things are not always black and white!
You talk about how much your heart was ripped out, and how that person you were SO in love with, and who was apparently so in love with you, turned around... found someone else – leaving you for someone "better," breaking your heart? Funny... that sounds so very familiar. It's not like YOU didn't do that to ME once, too. I remember being that one who was supposed to wear that fucking wedding band. But YOU found someone else... better... that you decided you had to be with. No hard feelings. We could still be friends. And we were. Better than JUST really good friends. GREAT friends… you told me I knew you better than anyone. I LOVED being that special person to you! And I was still there for you, even when you decided you didn’t want me as a mate anymore…*bites her lip* I stayed a loyal, loving companion to you… I was there for you for EVERYTHING! And as much as you say it’s different… it really isn’t. “I never left you,” you say… “We’ve always stayed close.” It’s not the same thing! *tears* How can you just take away that importance… of what we COULD have been, if YOU hadn’t decided you needed to be with someone else? :*( Of course NOW you regret ever leaving me to begin with…
Fuck... You're not the only victim here... The Universe did not drop this shit into your lap. YOU made that decision a good while back, and now you’re laying in the bed you helped to create for yourself. And I REALLY can't believe that you would go and post something like that... shit that should be personal to you... the public doesn't NEED to know details. This puts me in an awkward position as well... since I'm caught in the middle of two people I really care a lot about, but obviously you still meant a WHOLE fucking lot more to me, since I knew you so very well... or so I thought I did.
*tears* Fuck... why...? THIS shit right here... it's stuff like this that makes me want to just sit still. Makes me want to curl up into myself, and hide, and not show ANYONE else even the slightest bit of love and emotion. Why did I read your LJ... especially after saying that I needed a break from this Fandom... and the drama...? Yes, you are SUCH a victim. It's all about you. What about ME??? YES I'm being selfish, but you make it seem like you're the ONLY one that this shit ever happened to!!! You forget that you DID do the SAME thing to me, and I will KEEP ON REMINDING YOU OF THAT, the next time you pull shit like what you did again! >.<
I'm not saying that what he did to you was right at all... it could have all been handled differently... and the fact that I still feel like I'm responsible doesn't help at all. But dammit, do NOT make yourself out to look like you were the ONLY one who was used. And don't make HIM be this awful, horrible bad guy who purposefully ripped your guts out, because you fucking well know that wasn't the case! I know you're hurt and upset by what happened, but for being "over" it and moving on with your life, as you say you are, you certainly didn't have to make a fucking point of letting EVERYONE, on a public LJ entry of all things, know just what an apparent ass he was to you, so that everyone else can go and gang up on him now. That's just fucking petty, and immature, and I honestly thought that you were a lot better than that! :(
Talk about not having any fucking tact?
EVERYONE feels like they’re going to die when their wonderful relationship just goes down the shitter! You hurt for a while, and then you get over it with time. I hurt… I hurt a lot… but you know what? I STILL LOVE YOU!!! Goodness knows why, but I do! You can be such an ASS at times, but I love you anyway! Even when you’ve hurt me in the past. I still love you. *cries*
Fuck love, and fuck all of this SHIT. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I don't care if you get pissed off at me. I'm just saying what I feel. You had to do it on your LJ, so I'M doing it on MINE too!
Current Mood: sad
|Date:||October 3rd, 2005 05:03 am (UTC)|| |
You know, I was really wondering if I should have ever hit that "post" button, but dammit, I just couldn't keep it inside... :/ *pets a leezard*
When all this sort of rubbish happened to me, the thing that concerned me the most was how unbalanced I got, and seeing it from a different perspective is bloody surreal.
Anyway, I'm utterly lousy at offering any sort of comfort to people in distress. Sometimes people get this notion that I'm just brimming with empathy and want some reassurance from me, but I can't really do much more than play with my fingers nervously and go get myself a drink. But hey, chin up little blue, might catch you on the phone some time. Take care.
|Date:||October 3rd, 2005 05:07 am (UTC)|| |
*smiles softly and sighs* I was half expecting a "Serves you right, bitch... now you know how _I_ felt," type of comment from you. *flattens her ears* Ugh... you went through all of this too. Thank you for not hating me. *leans her head on your shoulder* I'd love to talk on the phone sometime later this week, if you'd like.
I have nothing usefull to say, but venting is allways good.
|Date:||October 2nd, 2005 12:45 pm (UTC)|| |
*hugs* hey kiddo, sorry to hear that. anyways, i might be in your neck of the woods sometime in the next month, maybe we could hang out? or at least just meet and have lunch? :)
|Date:||October 3rd, 2005 05:09 am (UTC)|| |
I really don't know if I'll be much in a mood for any kind of company, hon... :/ Thanks for thinking of me though. I do appreciate it.
|Date:||October 3rd, 2005 05:10 am (UTC)|| |
No one ever has the whole story... which is the biggest reason why I'm so upset. >.< *snugs*
After reading your last entry, about taking off for a while, I wanted to call you since we haven't talked since like... July. Just to see how you were doing or if you might want to hang out or something. I feel like I really should now. Sounds like you could use some company.
I've been through your mess a whole whack of times. Lately I've been wondering who my true friends are, and who's been stabbing me in the back. It's so hard to know, because there's just so much crap floating around out there. Being online sucks too, since you never know whether people are sincere in their e-mails or IM messages. You have to take it for what it is. You have to determine whether they are being sincere, or just fucking with you.
I know you are feeling hurt. I've been feeling kinda down, and like," Fuck love. I don't need it!" But crazy people keep telling me," Hang in there, you'll find love soon enough." It's hard to believe them when you are upset, but you never know what the future may hold.
Keep your chin up. You've got a lot of friends who care about you and I certainly don't like seeing when you're upset. Because you're such a friendly, outgoing bouncy person. It's always a pleasure to hang out with you.
|Date:||October 3rd, 2005 05:17 am (UTC)|| |
I'm sorry I'm antisocial as it is... and this current mess really hasn't helped. >.< I really need to get art done... maybe we can hang out this coming weekend and draw or something, if you'd like.
And on a different note... you know Panda? The Husky/Coyote cross that Roo was taking care of for me, who finally ended up going to Hamilton with Bobby? It's looking like Bobby may not be able to keep her after all, because he and his parter won't be living together soon, and Panda will be alone in his house for 7-9 hours a day. He says he doesn't know for sure yet, but that if that happens, he may have to return her to me. I can't have here here at my home, because she doesn't get along with other animals. :/ Do you know of ANYONE at all, who would be willing to take her, temporarily or permanently? I don't know why I can't just find a permanent place for her... she's a really well behaved dog... >.< I don't want to see her end up in a pound... your friend breeds and sells Huskies, right? Maybe he might know of someone who is looking to adopt an older (6 years) Husky cross like Panda? Please let me know if you hear of anything!! *hugs!* I'm really worried for her!! <:/
*offers a hug because he knows you need one but doesn't know you well enough to offer anything else :/*
NOt going to exacerbate the problem
But I would love to talk with you. Originally had planned on sending you email but furnation is still down. Anyhow, if you want to talk send me an email firstname.lastname@example.org. If not, it probably means it is best I keep my words of comfort, insight and overall "being there for people" instinct in check.
|Date:||October 3rd, 2005 05:22 am (UTC)|| |
Re: NOt going to exacerbate the problem
Thanks... I really don't even know what to begin to say in an e-mail though... this thing really has me quite torn up. I'm literally stuck right in the middle of this whole thing, and I really hate it! >.< I believe I still have your contact on AIM. If I'm ever on again, in the near future, and I see you online, I'll send you an message. Though feel free to e-mail me if you'd like. Wlfdog@hotmail.com
i was starting to get worried about you, now, im slightly releived you're back but at the same time worried once more.
I can very much understand your anger with everything right now, especially the thought of love and all that. It's good to distance yourself from that sort of situation for a little while so you dont fall victim to the whole rebound effect and all that.
I know you're a busy wuff, but you know you can always talk to me if you need me.
|Date:||October 3rd, 2005 05:23 am (UTC)|| |
*snugs a fox* Are you planning on being at MFF this year?
|Date:||October 3rd, 2005 05:42 am (UTC)|| |
Fucking tell me about it. >.< You know... it just REALLY upsets me. I mean... really, very much so... dissapoints me. Do you know just how hard it was for me to NOT answer a lot of those posts bashing the "evil ex"?? I cannot stand to listen to shit like that, _especially_ since they _are_ talking about someone that happens to be a friend of mine as well... when THOSE fucktards don't even know the whole damned story of just what happened. >.< I really hate little suck-up, yes-men fantards. Thank GOODNESS I've never really had any of my own, (yet) but if I ever do, I swear to gods I will slap the person so bloody hard upside the head that they won't know up from down. >:/
I know he's been hurt. And I'm not saying that he doesn't have a right to be hurt!! And for SOME reason he keeps on thinking that I don't know this... which I just can't freaking well understand, since he did the same damn thing to me a year ago! Does he think that _I_ didn't hurt when he did that to me? Did _I_ make as much of a huge public display about it, all over my damn LJ, so that people could hear about what awful things he did to me, so that they could go gang up on HIM? NO, I did NOT! Even though, hell YES, I was hurting... but I'm not that fucking malicious! >.<
As for coming to terms, apparently he's told me that he's over it and not all that upset about it anymore, and is looking forward to moving on in his life. But if that's the case, then WHY the hell bring it up in fucking Live Journal, where EVERYONE and their damn dog can see the (not entirely accurate) details of his private life, when he told ME over the damned phone JUST last night about how, oh he rarely ever mentions names in his LJ, because he doesn't want other people to gang up on or start trouble for any mentioned person(s) involved. That is such bullshit, right there. >:/
About the only thing he's accomplishing at this point is a very REAL threat of actually losing the people who truly care about him, because HIS behavior is pushing them away. I do NOT want to be on that list, Jakebe. <:/ I love him too much... and I made a promise to him that I'd always be there for him... even if he's made some mistakes with me in the past... I can't just leave him alltogether. But dammit, I feel like he's putting me in a situation where I have to choose between him and Mr. Evil Ex, and I DO NOT want to have to do that!! *hugs so tightly!!*
Not to be blunt, but don't ever go back to someone who left you before, no matter how lonely/sad/desperate they may be. It's just proof that they'll do it again when the grass is greener down the road. v.v
|Date:||October 3rd, 2005 05:48 am (UTC)|| |
I know this... which is one of the biggest reasons why I just can not, and will not ever be anything more to him than what I am now... our time and chance to find out if things could have been more is long gone. :/
|Date:||October 2nd, 2005 04:07 pm (UTC)|| |
*hugs* Love and empathy suck sometimes. I can't begin to say how many times I've been hurt for caring for other people. I've been burned so much in the past, and I really got burned badly while I was trying to run Fur Affinity back when that was up. It was during that whole experience as a public relations administrator that I realized that I good number of people in the fandom are assholes, including some artists who I really admired. And I'm not talking about people that just had a lapse in judgement and did something hurtful. There were many people on that site who genuinely and actively tried to create drama.
But not everyone in this fandom is like that. There are a lot of good people in this fandom, and you're one of them. And people like you are the reason that I'm still here.
|Date:||October 3rd, 2005 05:49 am (UTC)|| |
*sighs and hugs tightly!* Thank you hon... very much... Please give hugs to Nauta for me? I will still be at MFF, if you two will be there this year.
Just another hug to add to the pile...
Love and Hypocricy are a deadly combonation. I'm not pretending to know the inner workings of any of this mess - although I have a small guess who it may pertain to - and thus make no assumptions and do not intend to "gang up on" anyone if I am indeed correct. But I will say I feel for you and empathize and support you. The venting needed to happen. Hopefully, this person will realize and understand what you're saying and you two can work it out; always better to salvage friendships whenever possible than to sever them forever. If that's absolutely not possible, then I hope you both learn and grow from this.
::'nother hug:: Hang in there, Babe.
|Date:||October 3rd, 2005 05:55 am (UTC)|| |
*hugs back tightly!* I'm trying really hard... this has all just been a really hard blow for me, since (again) I always, somehow, end up caught right in the middle of things. >.< It's especially difficult... when you love the person so much, but their actions are making you feel like you're being pushed away from them.
I don't want to be pushed away... but right now, I feel like I can't be close to ANYONE involved at all, anymore... because if I do, I run the very real risk of only being hurt.
Why does CARING for someone make you an easy target for manipulation and hurt? What the hell is the point of caring, if the person doesn't seem to care back, or even listen? <:/
Ugh... I want to be a happy wolf again!! I want MFF to come so that I can see my friends again. :/ *curls up beside youz*
Sorry to hear about your troubles. I hope time will heal you pained heart.