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Jessie T. Wolf
June 2nd, 2005
05:23 am

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Major Psycho Headache...
Okaaay. This is going to be very long, and chalk full of drama, but ya know what? It needs to be said. One of the things I use LJ for, is naturally to vent my frustrations on shit that I have to deal with in my life, on an almost constant basis. This is not in the hopes of causing all kinds of stupid drama, but rather just a way for me to get this stuff off my chest, so that I can just forget about it and move on.

With that said, a tiny bit of background. I’ve known a dude who goes by the alias blackwingdragon for a little over a year. Yes, I’m mentioning his name. I simply DO NOT CARE about being courteous to this guy anymore! People need to realize when they’ve overstepped their boundaries, and NOT act like this guy has!

He’s had an insane crush on me for goodness knows how long, and feels he must constantly crowd and cling to me, as if he’d die without my attention or something. In the beginning, I was very tolerant with him. I give everyone a fair chance. I’m nice, courteous, and I don’t like being rude to people, who are only trying to be nice to me.

But this guy kept persisting on some kind of relationship with me, despite many interfering facts. He lives in friggin Hungary. He’s a bloody teenager who knows absolutely nothing about me, or my personal life outside of LJ, and the few short e-mails I’ve sent him in the past, when he’d write a mail to me nearly every week. I have tried to tell him nicely, many times, that I’m not interested in being anything more than a friend to him. Hell, at that point, all I ever considered him to be was a simple acquaintance.

But things started getting bad, to the point where this guy would start threatening to kill himself, because he was all depressed about my dating 2_gryphon at the time. At that point, I made an effort to try to calm him down, (don’t now WHY I even bothered) and convince him that I’m hardly a good reason to want to kill himself. After going out of my way, stopping the work I was doing to log into my AIM account, specifically to talk with him, and try to sort shit out, I get THIS crap in return, after I thought that everything was finally okay!

Before I go on, a quick explanation: As most of you probably know, fiskblack and I have recently started dating. It’s still a fresh relationship, and we’re taking our time. But I’m beginning to settle a bit more, and am finally starting to feel relaxed again, with trying out a new relationship, after the past few experiences I’ve had. It took me a while to get comfortable enough to trust someone in that way again. And I HATE it when people like this guy have to open their mouths and start stirring up shit with absolutely no cause. >.<

Recently Jay made a LJ post, just talking about the work he’s been doing in his daily life, progress with projects, talking about friends, etc. He happened to make a very brief little blurb about me.

“ wlfdog's been pretty busy with commissions lately, and I hope she gets caught up, cause I've been missing her online lately. But I know she's working hard. I know! I'm whipped! Damn!”

Just a little, “I miss Jessie,” comment. Nothing more. What followed was a string of attacks by blackwingdragon on Jay’s own personal journal. The thread is here, for your viewing pleasure.

I did finally have to say something, as I felt that this guy was being very rude and unreasonable in this matter that was totally uncalled for. He did continue to rant some more vicious shite in his own LJ, to which I also made a comment (since I have just as much right to bitch in HIS Live Journal, as he has the right to bitch in Jay’s, apparently!).

--------------------

"Oh, I'm not selfish, dear. Rather, the conceited fool, who beleives he can base authority back on something non-existant."

Yes. You ARE being selfish. >:/ And that "fool" can base all he wants on something that IS in fact existent. Jay and I ARE a COUPLE! And I really do not appreciate the things you've had to say about him thus far. >.<

"I pity bugs like that."

I pity YOU for behaving in such a childish manner! >:(

"I want to read into that person's life to understand him. I, however, do NOT want to see a pathetic arrogant fool rant on about someone I've had a huge crush on for longer than I've been in the fandom for."

Reading into his life to "understand him," will result in you also occasionally reading about my involvement in his life. So if you don't like it, then stop reading. That, or just suck it up and deal with it. Just because you have a crush on me is NO excuse for your behavior! Do you think this is impressing me at all?? Do you think this is winning you any more points with me? *raises a brow*

"And I can tell you here and now that if he dares mistreat said person, I will break every bone in his body myself."

If he mistreats me, I can damn well take care of myself, and you had BETTER believe that, mister!

"Oh, and just to demonstrate....this is my LJ. *arrogant tone* keep your foolishness to yourself."

*whines* 'I have EVERY RIGHT to bitch in YOUR LJ!!!' Fucking gimme' a bloody break. >.<

I don't want to hear from you anymore.

--------------------

I got an e-mail reply back, which I’ve taken the liberty of putting behind a LJ-cut, for those who don’t give a crap. It’s long, and absolutely mind-boggling. If you want a good laugh though, feel free to read ahead.


“I can't really care what happened, but I will write it under a mood swing, for
him. If he didn't reply the way he did after "relax, dude", we wouldn't be here.
I don't care also, if you beleive or not what I'm saying. Neither do you,
apparently. Knowing you or not has nothing to do with how I feel, and that's not
going to change. Aside from 2, you keep getting Ganador-types, and I'm sorry for
that.
I will, however, not be sorry for being put off by an arrogant bastard I made a
note towards to stop whining. That's what he is in my eyes. A comfortable
wine-sipping nobody *shrug*.

Interests unincluded, I haven't seen you since February, so I can't really say
you'd made any effort at all to be communicable. 'specially since I know you're
on a lot more than that. IF you aren't willing to open your eyes to the absolute
shit I live in or with, that's your problem, but I refuse that you are
dissappointed in me. If he has an opinion about his LJ I made fun of in mine, my
opinion on him must be respected as well, But that's not really important.

I do whatever I do for a reason. Now, specifically, I HATE seeing a guy like
that have you, with no shame or care, and tons of arrogance. Hence, if he
mistreats you, I will make him regret being alive. I don't think anyone deserves
the curse of being in a relationship with me, but I'd rather it be me than him
with you. Yes, frankly, it bothers my eye how you make no effort to talk to me
and then blew me away like you did. Especially in that sensitive time.

Maya darling, what in the world exactly happened to you?

Once you two fight and part, you'll regret many things you've done. I wait for
that day eagerly, when you get back a sense of judgment this disgusting state,
"love" took from you. Don't see this as me, you, or him Try to look at this as
an outsider. Until now, I haven't anything but supported and liked you, sweetie.
I'll continue to do that in the future, too. But honestly. You didn't have to
get involved, especially not like that. It's a choice you make because you are
blind now. Lead on a leash by this "love" crap. Weigh if turning on your friends
who have no problem with you personally is worth a guy who will come and go.

*sigh* sleep well.”


Okay, so I was prompted to write one more e-mail to him, as a result of my anger and disgust. Here are his replies to my own comments:


> Okay. I need to talk now, and you need to listen.
>

I always listen to you.

> First off, how the hell do you come off saying all of that absolute CRAP to
> both Jay and I, and then turn around and post something all nice and cutesy
> in my journal, like nothing ever happened? >:(

Nothing did. I despise him, not you.

>
> I am VERY angry, and VERY disappointed in you. For everything that you’ve
> ever said, how much you apparently “care” about me, and want me to be happy…
> and then when I finally am, you turn around and ATTACK Jay, on his OWN
> fucking Live Journal, with NO regard for even MY own feelings on the matter!

Eh, those feelings will be gone soon. Love never lasts, it's just a stupid
hormonic reaction that makes us feel how we do. All I did was voice what I don't
think he should bitch in his special position. His first reply was peaceful, the
rest wasn't. From there, it was just defending myself.

>
> You talk about US being rude and inconsiderate?? Did you think that Jay’s
> journal was a fucking conspiracy attack on you or something?? *sarcastic
> tone* Oh yes, Blackwing… this is ALL said on purpose, JUST to rub it in
> YOUR face! Jay doesn’t keep up with everyone who reads his LJ. He doesn’t
> say the things he does to rub anything in anyone’s face, never mind yours!
> That’s just being stupid and paranoid. >:(

No. I just heavily dislike arrogant people who can't appreciate what they have,
and bitch the people down who try to point that out. The only "conspiracy" is
when you wanted to talk to me in February, you VERY conveniently showed up on
AIM, and left. I know you're keeping me off your "allow contact" AIM list , as
well. I've got a reason to be paranoid, and my stupidity comes from something
else *sigh*.

>
> You want to talk about consideration? What the hell makes you feel that you
> can tell him NOT to write about how he misses me on his own personal
> journal? Telling him he can’t do that is bullshit. We don’t go to YOUR
> journal and tell you that you can’t talk about certain shit you talk about,
> just because it *may* offend us! If you’re so very offended by what he has
> to say about me, then you have two logical choices. Either DON’T read his
> journal anymore. Or suck it up, and deal with it.

Because some people have nobody. Because he's bitching in a VERY special
position losers like I have no access to. You probably talk to eachother daily,
while I saw you, what, four months ago? This is hardly fair, or right. That emo
bullshit is just annoying to look at, Jess. Another thing is, you turned me down
while I was suicidal. You could've picked a better time, but you just had to
clarify *sighs*. All the while, not making any effort to talk to me since then,
I could go on about why listening to a selfish guy whine like that hurts me.
Because I'm not the one saying I miss you is the last reason. Oh, if you came to
my Journal, I'd respect it. Already, I keep politics, religion, and Bill Gates
off the rant list because of others' requests. I'm starting to think I'm too
nice -_-. Eh, I read his Journal to find out about projects, information, how
his day was spent. I hate him for his arrogance and I have no respect for him.
But as a living being, he's got worth. Also, as a talented artist. I don't
expect you to understand it, but think of this as an agression, behind which
hides a fatherfigure. Think motherly instincts. I'm stupid, like that >-<.

>
> This isn’t about YOU. We’re not out to get YOU. You have NO idea man… no
> fucking clue at all what hell I’ve gone through in past relationships. You
> don’t even KNOW Jay, to call him a bastard! Jay was a friend to me, and
> helped me through a lot of shit. He knows to this day that I’m nervous
> about relationships still. That’s why he’s being patient with me, and we’re
> taking our time. He’s been a huge amount of support to me, and YOU bashing
> him for it is just disgusting!
>

I don't have to know him to get a very solid idea from his replies. Yes I have a
valid idea. Ganador fucked everything that had an asshole, transmitting and
giving sexual diseases. I've talked to well over 50 diffirent furs who said
exactly the same thing. He was with you in a ..unique manner. Don't think you're
unique with having someone that close to you backstab you. My distrust and hate
for him stem from the lack of respect and consideration he's shown. I can't care
how much in love you are, I will hurt him if he hurts you. Is it....well this is
not to say he's like that, but those that have been previously wounded are easy
targets, dear. I don't want, or need your anger or disgust. I have the right to
hate a guy I don't like. One I get a snappy response from when I point uot that
he should shut the fuck up and put his hands together for the luck of being with
a goddess like yourself. It infuriates me so much, you have no idea.

I would have been there to help you through the things, Jessie. But you run, and
hide. I know for a fact you're on AIM a ton of times. You must pretend to be too
busy to unblock nobodies like me. That pisses me off too, as I want nothing but
to care for you and help you. *Sighs*

> You say that I’m now being rude as well, simply because I’m defending Jay
> and myself? Fucking grow up. You want to know the reasons why your friends
> turn on you? It’s because you’re acting like a CHILD! You can’t have what
> you want, so you throw a fucking temper tantrum.

Wrong. People are turning on me because they are selfish little cumwads. I've
got enough experience behind me to know what people are majorly like, what they
want of another person, and even if they don't say it, what their ulterior
motives are. Y'know, I don't see why you're behaving this way. Just because you
two are a couple doesn't mean you have to take hits and go berserk all over the
place. It's him that I have a bloody problem with, not you.
As for temper tantrums, I DO admit to that. Diagnozed depressive, with wild mood
swings. Before you tell me to medicine up - it was denied of me by my own
doctor. I'm stuck. But yes, I do get excessively jelaous. Heavily hating people
who flaunt off things has become a habit of mine. Though if they refrain from
mentioning their couples, something that makes me puke, we get along perfectly.
I just don't want to read about others' happiness like that, if I have none of
mine. Think "Support yourself before you support others" here, not what a
selfish fuck I am. I do plenty not to be.

>
> I gave you MANY chances. I’ve been quite tolerant with you, even when you
> did bother me on occasion. I didn’t mind. I don’t like being rude, or
> mean. But dammit, you should know by now that I can be an absolute BITCH
> when someone crosses a line with me. YOU have finally crossed that line,
> Blackwing. I hope you’re fucking well happy. YOU caused this damage to
> yourself, NOT me, and NOT Jay! >.<
>

Did you? Hmm, from telling me you want nothing to do in a romantic sense with
me, ever, during my suicide attempt up to you stalling away on AIM but keeping
me nice and blocked so I can't even talk to you, and not replying to the 1-2
mail I sent in-between? Oh, yeeeees. So many chances, I can count them on one
arm.
If you explained to me how you feel, felt like , what you want, what your
ambitions are...if you talked to me at all, I would've understood what a pillar
he is for you. But dear, that didn't happen.
I did no damage. My attack was directed at Jay, you took offense. Please don't
try to blame attacks on me, Jess.

But to make you happy, how about this. If the lump in my throat turns out to be
cancer as the doctors suspect, I will sell all I have and fly to Toronto for you
to finish me off. Or Jay, whichever you want. This isn't asking for pity, or
wanting you to feel that way. But try to see life through a man who is broken
and crippled, with nobody at his side to support him like...you have 2, for
instance. All I can do is live every day for myself until it's over. I DO live
for myself. But. I feel that others are a heavy part of me, somehow. Precisely
because of the shit I live in, I try to help people. Yes, I fuck up a lot. From
the point where the hated mateship came to be, I've mostly been sliding down.
When I helped 2 furs nearly breaking up, you know what they gave me as thanks?

A very serious death threat. Before then, all couples would do was bitch and
whine, drool on about the other. Whether or not that's "right" or the "norm",
you have to admit, it's okay to be happy, but not at the expense of others. My
faith with this love crap is broken. It doesn't exist, it's fake. Call it what
you want. But just try to think of yourself as a lone person with nobody to hug
and hold. Just try to imagine waking up each day only to go to sleep, alone.
It's like I said. If this is verified to be cancer, I'll let you do whatever you
want with me. *sighs*. Just don't be angry. I'm not worth getting pissed about.


Okay. Just a few things I felt I needed to mention. First, I have NO fucking clue why he even mentions Ganador. Or how he has the gall to even begin to compare Jay with Gan. That is the hugest fucking insult ever! I don’t know what this Blackwing dude thinks he knows about my past involvement with Mr. Ganador Rex, (since I don’t even bloody well know this guy outside of LJ and have never talked to him about anything even remotely personal!). But the fact of the matter is that a good chunk of my “relationship” with Gan was me arguing with him to no end to stop lying and cheating on his girlfirend(s) at the time. >.< Gan put me through a LOT of shit, and I am not proud of my past with him at all. Jay knows this, and so do a lot of my very close friends, who where there to actually see the torment that damn dragon put me through!! In fact Gan is a huge reason why I’ve had a hard time trusting being in this new relationship with Jay. To even BEGIN to compare Jay with Gan is just SICK. If anything, Blackwing is more like Ganador than Jay is! O.x

Second, all this shit about me “turning him down” at a time when he was suicidal is a bunch of bullshit. Yes, I had to tell him many times, NICELY at first, that there was no way that he’d be able to have any kind of romantic relationship with me. What the hell did he expect me to say? “Oh yes, of COURSE I’ll date you! Just don’t kill yourself!!” For crying out loud!

Third, I never “blocked” Blackwing from my AIM list. I have two AIM accounts. A public account for acquaintances, people I’m friendly with, but who I don’t know very well. I barely get on this one anymore. I’m on once in a blue moon at best, when I’m not busy with working at the vet clinic, or working on commissions. SOMETIMES I actually DO like getting on AIM to chat with people I haven’t see in a long time. I also have a very private AIM account, which I generally only give out to my really close friends, people who I’ve known for a while, and am comfortable with talking with on a more regular basis. Unfortunately however, due to Life, I just don’t have much time for AIM as much as I used to. Hell, half the time I’m on my private account, I’m STILL hiding from people, because otherwise I’ll get distracted, and I won’t get any work done.

Considering the few times I HAVE made a pause in my life in the past to get onto my general AIM account, JUST so that I can talk to Blackwing, to make him happy, you’d think that he just *might* actually appreciate the fact that I have been QUITE tolerant with him, until now. And meanwhile he’s going on about how Jay’s an arrogant bastard, who doesn’t appreciate what he has with me. *smirks* Fucking hypocrite!

Now, this is going out to everyone who may read my Live Journal (and if you’ve read all of this so far, you deserve a prize!): I do NOT ignore people because I feel that they are “nobodies” as he puts it. I am not an arrogant bitch who thinks so fucking highly of myself. I am JUST one person in this world, trying to live my life the best way that I can, without shit like THIS dropping on me from all sides, all of the freaking time! I’m sick of this kind of bullshit! I cannot be everyone’s best friend, just because they want me to. I will not drop everything just to bow to any person’s specific wishes. And I will NOT tolerate people who go on to have their little temper tantrums, just because they couldn’t get what they wanted out of me!!

I give everyone a fair chance. I’m a nice person, I’m sociable, and cheerful (most of the time!) But for FUCK sake, do NOT cross a line with me, or this bitch WILL bite! For goodness sake people, give me less reasons to rant about shit in my Live Journal! I LIKE my happy journals!! But DAMMIT, things like this just give me the worst need to vent! *grits her teeth!*

……..

*sighs* Okay… I feel much better now…

Current Mood: aggravatedNot Impressed At All!!!

(125 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments
 
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[User Picture]
From:ralesk
Date:June 4th, 2005 09:02 pm (UTC)
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Hey,

I don’t want to comment on the issue in particular (but I foresee my head being bitten off in two minutes after I post this comment, even if I don’t dig into the whole actual issue in any way), but I noticed something, and while meaning no offence at all (hell, I don’t even know either of you), I feel like commenting about my surprise.

It’s about the part where you told about whom you’ve dated and who you are now.  I’m honestly surprised there, the two are (or seem to be) about half an Earth away on the political spectrum *chuckles*

I certainly hope stupid things like politics will never get in the way and you’ll be happy together for long :)

Jay!  By the way.  I love your comic, beautifully drawn, really, really cute.  (Can’t say I agree with most subtle messages in it, but hey, this isn’t the place to discuss that.)

Okay, I’m done, see yas.
[User Picture]
From:wlfdog
Date:June 5th, 2005 04:33 am (UTC)
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"(but I foresee my head being bitten off in two minutes after I post this comment, even if I don’t dig into the whole actual issue in any way)"

No, I shall not bite off your head. :-P

"It’s about the part where you told about whom you’ve dated and who you are now. I’m honestly surprised there, the two are (or seem to be) about half an Earth away on the political spectrum *chuckles*"

Well, politics are not what's important. I'm TOTALLY on an opposite point of view with Jay, in terms of politics. But politics are not what make a relationship. There are many other factors. The distance, for instance.

As much as I dislike Long Distance Relationships, (as I've already been in a couple that have failed...) Jay and I have both made a committed effort to make this one work. We see each other at cons, and visit each other every few months, and we speak on the phone on a consistant basis.

It is not all just Internet-based, as it most likely would be with Blackwing. Hungary is a lot harder to visit back and forth between. O.x It is also likely that there may be plans for Jay and I to move closer together, if our relationship keeps going as well as it has been so far. :)

There are just too many other factors as to why Blackwing and I wouldn't be able to work out, in a romantic sense, though, and he just refuses to see and accept that. :/
[User Picture]
From:ralesk
Date:June 5th, 2005 04:41 am (UTC)
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“No, I shall not bite off your head. :-P”

Haha! But I meant the… subject of the post doing so (surprisingly, that hasn’t happened yet!)

“Well, politics are not what's important. […] But politics are not what make a relationship.”

Oh, I know, I know. Regardless, it can become a source of trouble, so hey, may it never!

“[Blackwing] just refuses to see and accept that.”

Tell me about it. I’ve known him for four years or thereabouts.
[User Picture]
From:siraj
Date:June 9th, 2005 05:23 pm (UTC)
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*waves shyly* Hi Jessie, I'm a fan of your art, and a friend of mine linked me to this post of yours. I'd just like to say that we can both sympathize with your headache, as my friend and I have both had our share of run-ins with Blackwing... much to our dismay.

Stay strong, because we're lucky enough to have these whackjobs taken out of the genepool early on.
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