Mmmm… So I’m feeling much better now. Had to get out a little cry. Blast emotions. But I feel very good now, and am very grateful to have all the wonderful friends that I do. :) Which got me to thinking about two of the most special men in my life right now, who are closest to my heart. 2_gryphon and fiskblack. Both make me feel loved, but in two very different, yet important ways. They’re both very special to me, and I honestly don’t know what I’d do without them.
I was chatting on the phone with 2 last night, going over plans for a visit, after Anthrocon. My manager at work had a sheet made up for all the staff to fill out their vacation times, and I figured I’ve never really taken my Birthday off, so I decided I’d really like to visit the NARFA Cube again. I miss the guys over there! I can hang with jakebe, tease him for becoming a Bunny, and steal his comics again. ;) I wanna give aubrin a big hug, after all the ickiness he’s been going through lately. X.x Gotta hang with da rikusho BunnyCat, cook stuff with a prismo Walla, and have a drink with Joey! :) And spend time with others, and not be as antisocial as last time. O.o Hey, I get shy!! You guys should come down to 2’s apartment and forcefully drag me out, and stuff. :} *waves to dax_matang, if he’s reading this entry!* ;)
I was thinking about just how lucky I am that 2 and I still share the kind of closeness that we do. I was worried that dropping titles would change things, but I’ve found that we’re exactly the same as we’ve always been, if not better! Just with much less pressure on making future plans together. I’m very relieved, though, and I honestly can’t picture my life without him. He’s helped me out in so many ways, I can’t even begin to thank him enough. He’s got a gift for being able to lift my spirits too, even when I’m in the crappiest of moods. Two minutes on the phone, and he’s got me all eepy and giggly like a little girl. :} And he makes the most AWESOME playmate, EVAR! ^^ Apparently I make a good squeaky toy for the Gryph, cos I squeak when he pokes and tickles me. :} It’s been AGES since I’ve had someone I could just be so silly and goofy with, and really play and wrestle around with. And then still curl up and snuggle with, and have some quiet time to talk with about anything that’s on my mind. I’m really glad I can still be the Gryph’s little Wuffy. I was so afraid I’d lose that. But I know better now. ^^
I’m really happy for 2, now that he and Tim Albee are engaged. I really hope they have their wedding in Toronto, so that I can be there! Tim sent me a couple of e-mails, says 2’s said a lot of really good things about me, and he would love to get to know me better. He’s really nice! And he’s really wolfy, like me. :) He seems really familiar to me too, somehow, but I can’t quite figure out how. I want to talk with him about a whole bunch of stuff, but I never know where to begin. He’s really smart, and interesting, but I keep putting off replying to him because I never know what to say back, and I don’t wanna sound like a dork. O.o I’ll probably e-mail him back tonight.
Jay kitty and I have also been getting a lot closer. Though I’m still not 100% sure if I want to get into a new “official” relationship just yet. I’m interested, but I think still rather scared to give it a shot, until I know exactly how I feel. Past experiences have kind of ruined relationships for me, and have caused me to be very cautious. I think mostly my main fear is that every time I seem to settle, things seem to get ripped out from under my feet suddenly, and then I don’t know where I stand anymore. Jay is JUST like me, to the T, when it comes to what we want in a relationship, and what we value the most. Which is probably why I get a bit scared. Seems almost too good to be true. I worry that if I go with it, it may somehow fail. But then again, if I don’t give it a chance, I’ll never know if I could finally be happy with someone.
I’m so torn. I keep thinking I need to make a decision, but then I keep coming back to just playing things by ear, taking things one day at a time. I guess when the time is right, I’ll know. I hope it happens though. I really like Jay, a lot. He’s been really patient, understanding, and supportive of me. I’m especially grateful that he’s understanding and accepting of the closeness that 2 and I still share. Most other guys interested in me as a potential Girlfriend might not have been so tolerant. :-P But Jay’s been really wonderful. I’ve found myself having 7-hour long conversations with him over the phone, and telling him every single little thing about me, because I really want him to know me, and understand how I am. We’ve covered a lot of really deep things that I don’t tell a lot of people at all, so I guess that has to say something about my feelings for him. Hrmm.
Jay will be coming to visit me for one week, at the end of April. It’ll be good to get to spend some one-on-one time with him, outside of a convention. Maybe it will help clear my head, and rid me of any uncertainties. Spending time with him on a more intimate level will be a good thing, and I’m looking forward to it. :)