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Jessie T. Wolf
September 8th, 2004
12:27 am


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Date:September 7th, 2004 11:38 pm (UTC)
Ouch, that's rough -_-;
Usually I don't have a problem with polyamory, but when you start lying about it and manipulating people into believing it's not happening, that's just all kinds of wrong.

Maybe she's insecure? I was in a position like that once, chose to ignore what was obviously going on because I was too afraid that if that boyfriend left me (or vice versa) I'd never find anyone else. Though I was able to wake up eventually because not only was he cheating, but he was also verbally and emotionally abusive. Is he treating her well otherwise? If so, she could be unwilling to give up all the good things in the relationship and might feel that the good outweighs the bad.

I'm not sure there's anything much that can be done until someone else comes along and shows her what a good relationship is -supposed- to be like; often it takes falling for someone else to get the courage to see a situation like this for what it is. Which is a little contrary to the staying faithful thing, but better she wakes up and falls for somebody else who'll treat her right than keep her head in the sand and let her current boyfriend run circles around her with other women.
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Date:September 8th, 2004 10:37 am (UTC)

A Little Story For You...

I was involved with said "boyfriend" about a year ago, because in the beginning he made no ties to any one specific girl. He said right out flat that he didn't commit, and that he saw multiple women. I felt a bit weird about it in the beginning, but figured as long as it was known that he didn't have an official girlfriend, then there was nothing really wrong with being in a polyamorous relationship.

Until he started lying to this one girl. She wanted him to be with only her, she had a big problem with him seeing others. It got so bad to the point where he pretty much just said, "Fine, I'm with YOU only," to get her to stop feeling so insecure about things. The problem was, he kept on seeing me and other girls behind her back.

I felt VERY uncomfortable with this, and tried to bail, wanting to be only friends with him from that point on, but nothing else. He had a fit, and made it very dificult for me to leave him, and manipulated me into staying involved with him, with the promise that if I did, he would finally just tell her the truth, and be with just me and no one else.

Of course, I didn't believe him, because he tells every girl he gets involved with that he's in love with THEM, and wants to be with JUST them. I never wanted things between us to get that serious, and I told him I wanted out, and that if he told her the truth, he should do it because it's the RIGHT thing to do, NOT to get something out of it. He made promises... he didn't keep them. It finally just got to the point where I got so fed up and frustrated that I flat out left him one day and then told her the truth myself.

She got upset, naturally... but she was more upset with the other women then with HIM. They had their storm, and he promised her that he was sorry and that he'd never see anyone else again, and that she was the only one he loved. A few months down the road, I hear that he's still seeing other girls behind her back. And it upsets me because I went through hell and back with him, and risked everything to just tell her the truth, so that she could get out of that situation, and find something better. Instead, she stayed with him, and every time I hear he's screwing around, it stabs at me. >.< Because not only is he using her, he's using the others as well.

I agree with your statement above though. He DOES make every girl he sees feel WONDERFUL, and unique. That's what makes it even worse. You think he means these things only for you, and then you're crushed later on. He can be a really good friend, or seem to be on the outside anyway. But many people have seen the darker side to him... sooner or later, they realise they're being played with.

He even promised me that no matter what, he and I would always be friends, because at one point we WERE very close. But now, he doesn't even talk to me, because he's not getting what he wants out of me. And any time I do try to just say a friendly hello, he turns around and blames me for ruining his life, and breaking his heart. I did him wrong, I broke promises to him, and it hurts him SO very much to even hear my name now. All because I did what I felt was the right thing to do. That was the HARDEST thing I've EVER had to do in my life. And so naturally, I'm still quite bitter about the whole thing.

So yeah, I can't help but think that she likes the Fantasy so much, that's the reason she stays. Because it's easier than accepting the truth. I doubt there is anything that can be done. She'll stay with him, unless she actually sees it herself to believe it. I tried to be a good friend, and that's all I can really do. But my disappointment will never go away. As long as I know it's still going on. :/
[User Picture]
Date:September 8th, 2004 10:59 am (UTC)

Re: A Little Story For You...

Oh my...
I've not experienced anything quite like that before (well, not with relationships, anyway, I was with someone once who did that sort of thing to -everyone-, they didn't even have to be in a relationship), and I have to say I share your feelings about how wrong and hurtful this situation is.

It's always so much harder to see a situation for what it is when the antagonist is pretending to be so nice and wonderful... if they're being a blatant dick it's easier to smack them down for it.

Hopefully someday someone good for this girl will come along and sweep her off her feet- or at least maybe someday she'll come home early to find another girl in their bed...

There really isn't any hope for changing the guy, unfortunately, it's been said that a man is who he is by his 16th birthday, and you shoudln't go into a relationship expecting to change him; this girl knew what she was getting into (or such was how I interpreted it) and didn't like it and tried to change it ... and now she's reaping the consequences. I'm not saying it serves her right or she deserves it; but she doesn't really have anybody to blame but herself once she finds out the truth.

Him on the other hand... He sounds like someone who both has the need to be free to do his own thing, and has control/rejection issues. If he makes that big of a deal over your doing what you felt was right, and how it's brought woe and wearyness to his life.. then... well... there are words for what I'm trying to say but I just had a massive short-circuit in my brain's language center o_o
So I will end this here, lest I go on babbling like some kind of drooling moron about human fears and issues...
[User Picture]
Date:September 8th, 2004 11:27 am (UTC)

Re: A Little Story For You...

OMG, you are SO on the money! Damn... you are so very, very on the ball. Kudos, seriously. X.x Wow... *impressed*

It's like you just KNOW. My god, it's nice to know that something I've written actually makes SENSE for once! O.o
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