March 15th, 2006

Hellhound Jess

Taking A Look Back - Part 6

Part 6 - The Conclusion.

On looking back to all of the past relationships that I’ve had, I had to stop and wonder just where I had gone wrong. I’ve had advice given to me by friends - usually when I don’t really ask for it – which had mostly just made me feel picked on and ridiculed in the past, because it felt almost like a popularity contest (it’s never a good feeling to hear your friends hinting on the fact that they don’t agree with the current person you’re dating). There was always a lot of pressure placed on what your family and friends would think of your new Beau, which got kind of depressing after a while.

The thing is though, how would I ever know who was right for me if I didn’t keep on trying? I knew people who would go from one relationship, to another, to another… and in extremely short spans of time. But that’s not what I wanted. I just wanted to find _one_ person… _the one_ being that I would spend the rest of my life with.

I know a lot of people will tend to say the same things in these kinds of situations: “Don’t worry, someone will come along eventually,” or, “Maybe you should try staying single for a while?” or, “You don’t need a boyfriend to make you feel loved! You have your friends!” I’ve heard it so many times, and I know exactly why single people feel bitter about it, because as much as friends are wonderful, it’s just not the same as having someone in your life that you share a deep soul connection and loving bond with.

It was so very hard to trust, but being the kind of person that I am, I just wanted to give my heart openly to someone who was deserving of it. I wanted to find my other half, but after all of the disappointments I had had, I was at the point of just flat out giving up. I figured that, maybe my friends were right. I didn’t need anyone in my life. I could spend the rest of my life living contentedly with my dogs, and to hell with finding my life companion. Besides, as my friends all seemed to think, my taste and judgment in men were crap. Hey, maybe I should try women! …Naw. That’s just not really my thing… Oh, who cares? I’ve had it. Who needs a relationship anyway? Dogs love you unconditionally… plus they don’t argue with you.

When you think about it though, the biggest mistakes I made _weren’t_ that I was open and trusting of people I thought were friends. It wasn’t even the time span of how long I knew someone. You can be friends with someone for years, but then when you decide to try dating that person, it may not always work out, because the type of relationship changes drastically. I only knew J Wolf for less than a year, yet the relationship I had with him was the most beautiful one I could have ever imagined. I was very close to 2 Gryphon for at least two years to begin with, but that didn’t stop our relationship from going horribly sour. There was no way for me to control the decisions that other people made, or most of the events which took place that would usually bring the relationship to an end.

But I realize that I made a lot of mistakes in looking in all of the wrong places, and possibly just the fact that I was even looking at all, in general. You make some of the worst mistakes when you're vulnerable and lonely, and looking for someone to save you who you can “settle” with. It is said that you only find true love when you’re not looking for it. And that’s exactly what happened. At a time in my life where I was weary, and had given up looking, is exactly when I found my other half.

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