April 15th, 2004

Hellhound Jess

The Aftermath

Wow. I’ve had so much going through my mind these past couple of days. I only just got back from my trip to visit the NARFA Cube, and 2_gryphon, and already I’m starting to feel like I never left home.

Ugh. I hate this empty, lost feeling. I need some direction in my life. I went away… and it was bliss. I haven’t felt that happy… in ages, it feels like. And now the only thing I feel, is like a big chunk of me is missing now. I want that chunk back. >.< I want to feel whole again. I missed that feeling so very much. I want to get it back and keep it forever.

I need some sort of serious plan. I feel like I need to start over… I need some serious change, and I need some VERY serious commitment. I wonder if I should just throw myself wholeheartedly into this… risk everything, go out on a limb. I’m scared as hell, and I have no idea what I’m doing. But if I have a shot at happiness, why shouldn’t I take the chance?

It’s so hard… wanting to do what feels right, but having the words of others slowly starting to creep into my head, and cause me to doubt what I thought I was so sure about. I hate doubting myself… and I’ve been doing it for so long. But the funny thing is that this whole time I’ve doubted myself about things, but in the end it turned out I was right all along. I found lately that I was starting to get a bit paranoid… and wanted to run to the ones I love for reassurance… but then I found that as soon as I got near them, the feelings of doubt suddenly went away. And I felt good, and calm… and right. Just the feeling I got being close was enough to reassure me, without even one word needing to be said.

And that’s the way it should be.

This past week I’ve felt love and happiness again, and it felt wonderful and right. I’m not going to let go of that, even if it threatens to slip away. I’m going to hang onto this, see where it takes me and just enjoy the ride. Yes. One painful chapter in my life is finally over. Time for the next chapter to begin. I hope it’ll be some damn good reading. O.o
  • Current Music
    2 - Echoes