I haven't posted a journal since Penny died in January, but your recent post prompted me to say something.
I'm glad that you're still alive and well, and that you've decided to start posting again on FA, since so many of your friends and fans out there really love you and your art, and it was dearly missed.
I've been thinking about you off and on, and wondering how you've been doing. Wondering if you've healed, how your work has been coming along. If you've done any more work with Kaze. I spent a lot of time after our divorce, just trying to forgive a lot of the bad shit that went down, and get on with my life, and hope that you've managed to get on with yours as well. And then a friend mentioned to me that you made a post to FA, and I thought, great!
I don't know why I was surprised to learn that you're still making me out to be this evil wench that does nothing but take great pleasure in harassing you. :/ People seem to forget that there are always two sides to these stories, and I've tried very hard not to speak badly of you to others, and I'm sick of always having to just shut-up-and-bear-it, and not be able to say my piece.
For crying out loud... I found you on your journal and started "hounding" you? Really? It was more like your journal was the only way I could contact you about negotiating any legal proceedings that involved taking care of our divorce, since you blocked me from everywhere else and wouldn't return any of my emails.
It's all over and done with now, (thank goodness!) but why you had to fight me tooth and nail, and be as uncooperative as humanly possible is beyond me. The whole thing could have been done and over with a lot sooner, and we could BOTH have avoided a lot of stress.
You know, I get that the whole ordeal was really hard and painful for you... and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt you even more. But as an ADULT, you needed to take responsibility and deal with issues such as debts, and helping with arrangements to get my belongings back to me, which you kept illegally for 2 years.
Every time you described me in public was like I was some sort of abusive monster who physically assaulted and scared the life out of you... like you were some abused housewife, when in a lot of ways it was the opposite way around.
I moved half way across the world for you, straight out of my Mom's house... and had never been on my own. I TRUSTED you to take care of me, and guide me, since you were the older one in the relationship, and had more life experience. Instead, I pretty much got to live in isolation, away from all of my friends (many of which you hated anyway, and were very rude to).
You made me get rid of my dog, (who in many ways acted as a Service dog during a time when I needed that support) which to this day I regret like nothing else... In fact, her memory is the only reason I was able to continue doing what I love with my dog training today. You didn't support my wanting to work with animals... you felt that it was a "waste" of my talents, and that I should be focusing on creating art and animation with you.
You turned art and drawing for me - a thing that I used to love - into a stressful ordeal, and it's nothing but a bad association now. I haven't put ink to paper in YEARS! My artistic muse is DEAD now, and it's been a struggle to get any kind of art done in the last 3 years, hence why I never post anything up on FA anymore. I used to draw every day! I still owe commissions from like 5-6 years ago now, and have been meaning to make an official journal post that once I start making money again, (somehow) I plan on refunding everyone I owe artwork to, because I just can't do it anymore.
In the end, OUR relationship was never about US - it was only ever about you and getting your Kaze movie done. For the record, I DO still believe it was an amazing script, and I do still feel that you should get it finished... I still fully support that dream of yours. But you USED me!
You used me to create a Canadian animation company, so that you, as a U.S. citizen, could work remotely from home. And then when our relationship shattered, you buggered off back to the U.S. and left me with all of the debts from 3 years worth of unpaid taxes! Thank the Universe I wrote that letter of resignation when I did, and they deemed you responsible for the company in the end, so really you just committed Canadian tax fraud. Of course I am also still trying to pay off the nearly $4,000.00 in Visa debt you left me with as well.
I put up with your guilt-tripping lectures, your frequent psychotic outbursts, and had to walk on eggshells around you on a constant basis! The emotional and verbal abuse, and JUST border lining physical and sexual abuse... and YOU act like the traumatized victim?? I'm not even going to get into the very wrong and very illegal topics that you brought up, that could have put your whole career in jeopardy.
You accused ME (??) of using you as a "Sugar Daddy," when I never asked for a *dime* from you. In fact, you treated me as your own personal secretary, and had me take care of all of our finances because you were too busy to do it yourself. I made sure that all of our bills were paid on time every month. I was the one who budgeted every aspect of our lives, and made sure that we had enough in savings set aside to buy that beautiful house on 5 acres that you're comfortably living in right now. I did all of the paperwork. It was my immaculate credit and organizational skills that helped you get where you are today, living in nature's solitude with your dogs, just like you wanted.
And what did I get in return for doing my best to help you achieve part of your dream? A whole lot of stress and heartache, prescription medication for anxiety and depression, and bankruptcy!!! >:(
... *deep breath* ...
However... it IS all over now. We don't have to have anything to do with each other anymore, and can now, finally, move on with our lives. I have my stuff back, and you have your house. And after I've spent the next couple of years building back my credit, maybe I'll be able to finally buy a house of my own, now that I've had the practice of going though those motions. Maybe I'll even find the inspiration and joy for doing art again.
In the meantime, at least I'm doing one thing that I love again, working in the Veterinary filed, training dogs and trying to help my own business grow. And despite being broke on a regular basis at the moment, and JUST barely getting by, (it's amazing I'm not homeless!) I am much happier.
I'm in a relationship that's going on 3 years pretty quick, and while we're into different things and have different goals, we love and support each other. I'm getting back in touch with old friends who I've neglected for ages, due to having been an anxious, reclusive stress case for the last 4 years. I've got my two Rotties, and I love my boys - they are my babies and loyal companions, after having dealt with Penny's death. Don't worry, Mojo is still with us, having been adopted by a roommate of ours, and he is happy, well cared for and comfortable in his old age.
I don't care what anyone else out there has to say - I had to get this one last flood of emotions out of my system, before moving on for good. And friends of yours that happen to read this - don't jump on the comments and harass me for sharing my thoughts and feelings - it's my freakin' journal and I'll say what I want.
Just remember that I haven't spent the last few years demonizing you, and trying to make people feel sorry for me... but I had to just get the truth out there. It was a highly abusive relationship that just needed to end - and is better that it did when it did, as painful as it was for you. I know you feel that you lost the love of your life... and I'm sorry that my being able to move on quicker hurt you that much more. But people adapt and evolve. They learn from their mistakes, and they continue to live life the best that they can.
I guess that I've come to the conclusion that, despite having gone through the terrible ordeal of our divorce, in the end I'm a stronger person for it. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I didn't go through the bad times (and there were good times as well, I'm not throwing all of that aside...). I've definitely learned some HUGE life lessons, and I will take those with me wherever I go.
Really, in the end you've helped me become way more independent. I've come to get to know myself much better, and now that I know what I actually want out of life, I can finally plan and set my goals, and go get what I want.
So... I guess in a funny way, I should be saying thank you for giving me my life back. I hope that now you'll be able to see and live yours to a positive future.