Jessie T. Wolf (wlfdog) wrote,
Jessie T. Wolf

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Abandonment Issues

I should really be in bed right about now, but Blue and I got up to some interesting conversation tonight about marriage, and separation/divorce, and father figures who were never really there for us growing up, and all of that wonderful, fun stuff.

It somehow started with us talking about babies, and how Blue would rather adopt a kid one day, instead of having her own. From there we moved on to how the two of us were technically "accidents," both born two months premature. Blue was born during the middle of her parent's divorce, whereas my parents were never actually married to begin with, but they separated when I was about six years old.

Tim and I both certainly had two very, very different ideas about what marriage was, and I guess I am very guilty for not understanding just what it meant to him. To me, there is no difference between me being married to someone, or being in a loving, committed relationship with someone. To me, the committed bond lays in the emotions you carry for that person. A legal marriage to me is nothing more than paperwork that satisfies the Government. To me, marriage is not spiritual, because I am not religious. My feelings for someone are my feelings, and I would have been just as committed to Tim, had we got legally married or not. But that was my biggest mistake... saying yes to something and not fully understanding it from the other person's point of view. :/

So, Tim's speculated that maybe it's because of my lack of growing up in a sound, balanced family household, that was the result of my lack of understanding of our marriage. That could very well play a factor. Who knows. I never really got to experience the kind of "normal" family life growing up in a small town, that Tim did.

I never really developed a great bond with my dad, because he was never really there to raise my sister and I (going out to Jazz festivals on the weekends didn't freakin' count). My mom busted her ass raising us both on her own, for the most part. I think that's also why I get so pissed off with my sister, whenever she takes advantage of my mom. I consider my mom a friend, and talk to her about everything. My mom and sister can't communicate at all, and the only time they talk is when my sister needs something from mom.

I don't really connect with my sister either, but I just chalk that up to we are two totally different people. Maybe in ten years things could change. But for now, my family is pretty divided.

My dad got married and moved to Japan about two years ago, now. He now has a new daughter. I have issues with this, only for the fact that he's almost 60 years old, and has a baby girl. He is going to be 80 by the time that kid finishes high school. -____- That just feels so wrong to me... but who am I to stomp on his happiness? In the back of my mind though, I am jealous/pissed off/hurt, because it's like he had my sister and me, didn't really stick around to help my mom raise us, but kind of did it in a half-assed way so he could say that he tried... and then he ran off, got married and had another kid. Once in a while he sends me an e-mail, that doesn't really talk about much at all. Still trying. Why bother? In some ways I think it would have been easier if he had just flat out dropped contact with the three of us all together... But... he's still my dad, after all.

Okay, so I obviously have abandonment issues. This in turn also kind of screwed up my relationship with Tim, because in a lot of ways Tim did things or acted in ways that my dad did, when I was younger. Now I understand that expression about marrying your parent. In any case where Tim would take on a kind of father figure with me, it's like I turned rebellious, and things I would never have fought my father on, I fought Tim tooth and nail on, even when all he was trying to do was help encourage me to be the best that I could be (my dad did that to me all of the time... trying to encourage me to be better, or do more... but all I ever felt was that nothing I did could ever satisfy him... it was never, ever good enough...). Tim saw certain potential in me and wanted to share that with me... and I only ever saw it as he was trying to change me to fit his own ideals of who he thought I should be.

Well... I'm changed now. In some ways for the better... and in other ways that have very much disappointed and hurt him... especially in the areas where I've shared things with others that I would deny him. I didn't mean to do this... In truth, there was a lot about our relationship that I was simply not ready for, that didn't feel right... and it scared me to death. And so I pushed it all away.

The 12-year age gap between us didn't really help, either... Tim's a hell of a lot more experienced than I am, has been places and has done stuff. He also has very different friend groups, who are older and more mature. I'm 26, inexperienced at a large percentage of the things that Life has yet to offer me, and my friend groups are immature as hell, but I totally love them.

In the end, it really came down to an inevitable, mutual agreement. I just chalk it up to differences, simple as that. He can definitely find someone who is a much better match for him than I could ever be. Some things just don't match up, and there's no point in trying to make them. Just do the best you can, and move on with your life. But don't forget to have fun along the way, because Life is too short to hang onto misery and self-pity.
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