Fuck... - Jessie T. Wolf
I hate this shit... and I want to cry.
I just want to be somewhere other than here, right now.
*lays down on the floor and sighs heavily*
Current Mood: Beyond Depressed
I hope things get better for you :( quickly
|Date:||July 21st, 2008 05:00 am (UTC)|| |
Thanks... Yet one other gorgeous place that got swept up in a *day*. I feel like we didn't even have a chance. And still no guarantee of a job either. I can't *do* anything, and I can't *go* anywhere. I feel extremely trapped at the moment, and while I do appreciate the fact that I have a place to sleep, (even if it is just an air mattress on a kitchen floor...) I really want to be in a place of my own, and soon, or I feel like I'm going to go nuts. >__<
I just want to lay on the floor now, and not move. *flattens her ears*
Believe it or not, I'm going through something very similar ... only I don't have and am not with a lover. I'm with young hard-partying roommates that are making me ill and driving me up the wall, and the worst thing is one of them has a dog -- a pitbull, in fact -- but because I don't feel this place is suitable for a canine companion, I've disallowed myself from getting one here.
I've been trying to move, to break out, to find a quieter place where, for the first time in 7 years, I can at last help fill that horrible void in my soul that only a canine companion can fill. I've come so close, I was so very close, and even made personally very significant purchases chasing a promise that would finally put me there, only for the promise to fall flat.
My hopes were just finally getting up, from my f---ing incessant self-loathing depression and self-dooming anxiety when those hopes were pulled out from under me, and I felt worse than before. I have 'uncertain possibilities' at this point, and feel very turmoiled.
Its weird how similar some of the things you have gone through, as you've described in your LJ, are to some of the things I've gone through. On that, I can't help but wonder if some of the things that went through my mind when I've had times like these in the past are going through yours ... when I was with a lover -- a true lover -- in the past, that stupid voice in my head couldn't f--ing shut up about why -- if my love was so strong with them -- I couldn't just be glad to be with them. Its a horrible, inanswerable "little voice" question, but that doesn't mean for the infinitesimally tiny fraction of a second that it is in any way valid or true. It was very difficult to get through certain moments, even with my true love with me, but even if they didn't have the magic spell to send my despair to the farthest reaches of hell where it couldn't affect me, they did by their mere presence and their love for me give me what I truly needed to get through it: a sense of worth in myself. By their true love for me, I could sense and feel the only worth in myself that I had, since some f---ed up combination of neurochemical imbalances and rotten luck didn't allow me to love myself without them.
That's so much to go through, i hate feeling trapped. It's such a struggle to be in a situation like that, i have been in similar myself. Be as strong as you can, things to get better, even if it does take quite a bit of time. My thoughts and hopes are with you.
You evidently defriended me, so I have no idea what's wrong.
|Date:||July 21st, 2008 08:51 pm (UTC)|| |
I did...? *checks* Huh... the same thing happened with Silfur... I could have sworn I had him on my Friends list, but he wasn't, so I had to add him again. I'm not very good at keeping my Friend list up-to-date, mostly because I haven't been checking my Friends pages in the last 6 months (because I've been moving around way too much). So if you weren't on there, don't take it personally - it either means I just forgot to add you when you added me, or it means that a year back when I was cleaning out my Friends List, I was removing people who I didn't know really, really well, or removing people who didn't update their journals on a regular basis.
You wouldn't know what was wrong unless you've been reading all of my posts anyway - I don't lock anything. All of my posts are public.
I'm sorry Jess'.... ;_;
I've heard that the Vancouver rental market is bad like that. So many people want to live there, and there are so few nice places on the market at any one time.... especially inside city limits.
Too bad you can't somehow advertise yourself as a renter like people advertise for the places they want to rent out...or something.
"Young professional looking for dog-friendly rental accommodations. ...etc etc etc."
Edited at 2008-07-21 08:47 pm (UTC)