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Taking A Look Back At My Relationship History - Part 1 - Jessie T. Wolf
March 10th, 2006
12:20 am

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Taking A Look Back At My Relationship History - Part 1
I sometimes find it really hard to believe that I made it this far, at the young age that I am. O.o I don’t know anyone else my age that’s been through as much crap as I have been through, who hasn’t just flat out given up on relationships by now. I seem to be a magnet for Drama. But then again, in this fandom, I guess that shouldn’t be all that surprising. *smirks*

But looking back on all of the past relationships I’ve been in, and looking at the good and the bad things that have happened over the years, it’s been a learning experience. You learn a different lesson each time, which better prepares you for whatever relationship you have next, and each time is hopefully a better match, until you find that one special being that you’ll spend the rest of your life with.

I know people who believe that there is no such thing as love at first sight, and I know a lot of people who do believe in it with all of their heart and soul. I DO believe that love can often times be extremely blind as well, and that what you think is love at first sight just ends up being a mask that destroys your entire world once the façade comes down. >.< That can often lead people to become bitter and feel hopeless, and want to give up on the idea that they’ll ever find the mate of their life.

I came very close to giving up quite a few times, but something inside of me kept on waiting and holding out for someone special. I knew what I was looking for… I could feel it. I just looked in a lot of the wrong places, was very naive, way too trusting and hopeful, and made a lot of mistakes in judgment.

Now, I’m not saying that all of the relationships I’ve been in until now have been some of the most terrible experiences of my life, no! In fact, I can honestly say that I don’t regret a single one of them, because they’ve all taught me a valuable life lesson, and they’ve also lead me up to this very point in my life. Without the bad things that have happened in my life, I wouldn’t be as happy as I am now.

So behind the following cuts are the little chronicles of the Love Life of Jessie. And since these are all fairly lengthy, I’ll be splitting them up on a day-to-day basis, so you can read a different horror story each day, until we’ve reached the wonderful conclusion! There is in fact a happy ending to this 6-part mini-novel, and this is not in any way an attempt to get sympathy. It's an honest and heartfelt retelling of my experiences, made to get the point across that no matter how bad a situation may become, there is always a glimmer of hope if you let yourself believe in it.

This is not meant to slander anyone’s reputation or hurt anyone’s feelings, as I’ve experienced some very beautiful things with all of these people. So if you do read these, please don’t go ganging up on any of the folks I mention here. These are just my own personal thoughts and feelings on thinking back to my past relationships, and I just felt the need to let these experiences come out in the open. It’s a ton of baggage that I just don’t want to continue to carry around with me. I’m done with it all, and don’t feel like I need to keep it all bottled up anymore. Time to move on. :)

So without further ado, here’s the first chapter of my love life. Make some popcorn and enjoy. :-P

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J – Introduced to me by my best friend of ten years, notasiwas_blue, J was my first ever love, at the age of sweet sixteen. It was like your typical High School Sweethearts type of thing… except we didn’t go to the same school. I never dated at all in High School, actually. I thought it was silly, and just didn’t have the interest. High School kids were immature, and relationships usually didn’t last more than three weeks. O.x.

But with J, I really had no choice in the matter. There was no, “Will you go out with me on Saturday night?” type of asking out. He and I just kind of happened. We just both knew that we had to be a pair, and that’s exactly what happened.

He was the gorgeous, blond, skater type. :-P Lived on a farm with his mom and about a dozen dogs. And he was the first wolf spirit I had ever known. He was a leader, strong, yet very gentle and loving. He had his Pack, they all looked up to him, and he chose me as his mate. He made me feel safe and taken care of, and I believed that I had found the place where I was supposed to be in life, by his side. It was the most wonderful kind of love I thought I would ever have…

…But we all know that most teenage loves don’t last. J died of cancer barely a year into our mateship. *ears flatten* His death was not easy to get over at all, and Blue actually suffered a lot worse from it, since she had known him since her Kindergarten years and the two of them were like brother and sister.

But still, I felt really cheated. It was like Life had waved this wonderful thing in front of my face, and then yanking it away from me just as I’d reached out to take hold of it. I thought there was no way on Earth that I would ever find another being like J, and with being a wolf spirit, who else would be able to understand me as well as he did, and love me for who and what I was? I went into an almost two-year depression, but finally gave the dating thing another try about three years later.

End of Part 1. Watch for Part 2 tomorrow.

Current Mood: thoughtful

(15 comments | Leave a comment)

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From:ion_seal
Date:March 10th, 2006 08:00 am (UTC)
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Wow! That seriously sucks! :(
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From:mfwolf
Date:March 10th, 2006 09:30 am (UTC)
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That's really sad.
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From:nemfx
Date:March 10th, 2006 12:00 pm (UTC)
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*doesnt say anything, just hugs to let you know he's there*
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From:fairbank_otts
Date:March 10th, 2006 03:48 pm (UTC)
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I don’t know anyone else my age that’s been through as much crap as I have been through

Everyone? :)

You're a beaut girl, but don't be so naive as to think that you're that unique. *mwah*
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From:wlfdog
Date:March 10th, 2006 06:08 pm (UTC)
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I never said that no one else has gone through the kind of crap I've been through. I said I don't _know_ anyone else who has been. :-P Twit. ;)

I don't think I'm unique at all, when it comes to relationship drama. But I do know of some people who have had a few bad relationships and they whine and sulk about how they'll never love again. I've been through some pretty unfair shit (just as I know you've been, too) but my point at the end of all of this will basically be that no matter how shitty things get, they'll eventually look up in the end, if you keep your chin up and learn from past mistakes.
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From:fairbank_otts
Date:March 11th, 2006 05:04 pm (UTC)
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Funny thing is that before I read this post of yours I had just got off the phone to my sister. We had a lengthy conversation about how we, the Newmans, are completely fucked when it comes to relationships. We can't succeed. We're like a shit-magnet for relationships. It's uncanny. :)
From:w0lfsong
Date:March 10th, 2006 06:28 pm (UTC)
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Foxen's post seems more like an attempt to "troll" an emotional and heartfelt thread, than clear, thought-out commenting.

I have friends over 60 who've had to out-live their mate. But I don't personally know anyone else who's had to watch their mate, (and first love,) die so young.
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From:wlfdog
Date:March 10th, 2006 07:28 pm (UTC)
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Since how often do people actually take the time to make clear, well thought out comments? :-P

*nuzzles* No worries, love. ^^ I don't take Foxen's posts too personally. ;) He is notorious for posting sarcastic and negative comments on my journal. He simply wouldn't be Foxen if he didn't. :-P

He doesn't mean any harm by it. He just has a big mouth. ;) I'm used to it, but thank you for defending me nevertheless. *noses and licks*
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From:fairbank_otts
Date:March 11th, 2006 05:06 pm (UTC)
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Diddums.
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From:brokkentwolf
Date:March 10th, 2006 06:59 pm (UTC)
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*Hugs* I'm so sorry. :/
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From:wlfdog
Date:March 10th, 2006 07:08 pm (UTC)
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*hugs back!* Thanks. It was a long time ago... and the next four entries get pretty bad as well, but the final conclusion is a happy one. :)
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From:chlorophyta
Date:March 10th, 2006 09:50 pm (UTC)
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I had a former boyfriend who died of cancer. We had actually broken up a couple years before his death, but it was his cancer that separated us, and I deeply wish that he hadn't had to die. -___- I can't even imagine what it would have been like for me if we'd been closer at the time. No one should have to go through something like that...

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From:wlfdog
Date:March 11th, 2006 12:25 am (UTC)
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*hugs!* I'm so sorry! -_-
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From:chlorophyta
Date:March 11th, 2006 04:04 am (UTC)
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Aww, that was just my way of saying, "I feel your pain." *hugs* Thanks, though. =)
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From:staghorne
Date:October 14th, 2009 10:46 pm (UTC)
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Oh, wow. This is one of the saddest things I've read on the entire Internet. I remember feeling deeply touched and melancholy for days after reading it. I still think about it every so often to this day.

Thank you for sharing what must be a difficult memory. It hope (and believe) you're feeling better now. *hugs*
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