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So Conflicted... - Jessie T. Wolf
September 29th, 2009
09:47 am

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So Conflicted...
So, imagine that you've spent a good while really wanting something, but it's one of those things that you know is very, very unlikely to ever happen. It's more just like a nice fantasy - cool to think about, but you never really get too disappointed, because you have no expectations of it ever coming true anyway. You're just content to think, "Well, maybe one day this would be really nice to have." Like winning a fortune in the lottery, or buying that nice big dream home.

Apparently I now have access to something that's been a fantasy of mine for a little over a year now, and my reaction to hearing the news was not what I expected. Most people would do a happy dance. I just kind of sat there, blankly staring at nothing as a bunch of mixed thoughts and emotions suddenly came flooding through me.

The stupid thing is that I almost came to the conclusion that I didn't want this thing anymore. It had been just a hope for so long, that I pretty much chalked it up to Never-Gonna-Happen status, and I just accepted that.

Now I feel more like a cat than a canine:

*paws at the door* "I want inside!!"

*owner opens the door* "Okay, come on inside."

*cat sits there* "No thanks, I'll just stay out here."

WTF? O___o

I don't know what I want anymore, or what to think right now...

So conflicted... *ears flatten*


EDIT

Solo the Beagle is determined that he's going to get up onto my lap this morning, though I keep telling him he's too big for that. We somehow managed to make it work, and now I have a plump little Beagle in my arms. Dogs are great for giving cuddles when you're feeling kinda down.

Current Mood: disappointedContemplative

(7 comments | Leave a comment)

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From:dark_prime
Date:September 29th, 2009 05:35 pm (UTC)
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I'm sorry things haven't been going right for you as of late if you need someone to talk to id love to hear from you dear ^_^! It's been a long time!my messengers are on my user profile im always here if you need someone.
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From:wolfblack0909
Date:September 29th, 2009 05:46 pm (UTC)
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*huggels* i hope things get better for you can understand how things could be confusing and feeling so much is on your shoulders and just feel lost. Just try to keep your nose high.
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From:shin_bio_hazard
Date:September 29th, 2009 06:44 pm (UTC)
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"In the end, all she had was her dogs.."
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From:fiskblack
Date:September 29th, 2009 10:39 pm (UTC)
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If I let my apprehensions hold me back from taking opportunities, I would still be working at Kinko's.
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From:sci
Date:September 30th, 2009 05:01 pm (UTC)
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*hugs*
That is rather catlike behaviour though.
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From:nitroshep
Date:October 1st, 2009 12:19 am (UTC)
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*hugs tight*
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From:iron_raptor
Date:October 3rd, 2009 05:03 pm (UTC)
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Life has presented you an opportunity, so now the question lies... why wouldn't you take that opportunity?

Or could it be you have so set your mind in the "Never-Gonna-Happen" mode that even when it does happen, your mind shifts to "It's going to go away anyway"?
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