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A Little More Scarlet Than Jessie - Jessie T. Wolf
January 5th, 2009
07:11 pm

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A Little More Scarlet Than Jessie
It's amazing... I don't know what it is about talking in a coffee shop that just totally zens me out, but it's like a drug. Literally, one minute I'm walking along the street with Tim, talking, and getting all frustrated, ready to spit fireworks out of my mouth... and then we walk into a coffee shop and I'm all chilled. We could talk about close to anything in a coffee shop and I'd not get offended or take anything personally... outside though, I'm like hell on wheels.

We had a long conversation about how different the two of us really are, and how it inevitably led to the end of our marriage. Part of what kept it together, really, was that both of us were trying really hard to overlook the others' flaws and differences, and pretend we were people who we really weren't. That's when you fall in love with the ideals of a person, rather than truly loving and accepting that person for who they really are. So, I'm learning a lot about who I really am.

Tim said my new hair suits me quite well, in that it's now dyed half purple, split right down the middle. Kind of a tribute to Two-Face. Very fitting. Mind you, as a consequence of my very chameleon-like personality, I have much more than just two faces. Really, I swap multiple personality traits, depending on what peer group I'm hanging around with, and I adapt to different people's personality traits as needed. Sometimes this can be seen as a bad thing. I can see how people who normally see the quieter, shyer, cuter side of me, might be put off by seeing the more wild and crazy, dominant and playful side of me in a different situation.

I especially have to laugh at the fact that I've been called a slut, recently. Okay, even I'll admit that sometimes I might get a bit carried away in joking around with sexual innuendos, but seriously... only someone who really didn't know me at all, or even had the faintest clue, would think I was a slut. Not only have I not had sex in over a year, what makes that comment really funny is the fact that 90% of the guys I like and hang out with are GAY, which means Jessie's not getting any sex0rs!!

In truth, the reason I love chillin' with the boys is because it's a safe zone for me to be in. Other than the fact that they are totally awesome guys, and fun to hang with, I enjoy being "one of the guys", and being included in their games and wild antics. I can act like an immature freak and not be judged too harshly for it. I can feel sexy and flirt my ass off and know that it's safe, because the likelihood that anything will ever go too far is highly improbable. So it's safe, and comfortable, with the right group of people. It's not like I'm this way with everyone or anyone.

So, am I openly flirtatious? I can safely say yes. Am I a slut? No. But still... maybe that's a trait I should look at toning down. Maybe I take it too far, and should take a break. (Sorry, Shep... looks like you'll need to find someone else to protect your nads from a certain black wolf's cruel abuse... *winks*)

Am I a dominant bitch? Hell yes. I spent many years trying to convince myself I was shy and submissive... but all of my friends, who've known me for years, knew better than that. As Silfur once said, I top from the bottom. I was the crazy, wild child in grade school who would get into fights with the bullies. They tried to pick on me, and I would give them as good of a beating as they gave me. I've never been one to back down, and have never been afraid of getting my hands dirty. But at the same time... sometimes it's nice to be a bit more passive.

Am I selfish? Yes. I am a major control freak, and very much like to do things my way. This doesn't mean I don't like to compromise... but I've found, in the relationship area, I will only allow myself to change so much for a partner. I'm still trying out the different flavors of Life, and I'm not quite ready to grow up and settle down yet. Call it commitment issues... but right now I'm enjoying being a swinging Bachelorette. Right now, I am definitely not Relationship Material.

Am I insensitive? Seems so at times... though that comes more from me being absent-minded than anything else. This is something I am trying hard to work on. Being more aware of others' feelings, and how I interact with people. I don't like hurting people or making people uncomfortable. I also don't like finding out that I've hurt someone after the fact, especially from someone else! If I do something stupid or insensitive, I'd rather be told directly by the person I made feel that way, than find out from the grape vine later on.

Am I a partier? YES! Apparently I have become quite the social butterfly, and love any excuse to go out on the weekends and chill with friends. This is something very new for me, considering I was practically a hermit before I moved out to BC in the spring of 2007. So I am trying a lot of things that I've not tried before, exploring a lot more, and getting over a lot of old fears that once kept me tied down. So maybe I shoot off like a rocket a little too quickly sometimes... It's the sudden excitement of doing new things.

So... this is me. Parts of me.

...

I still like me.


******************************


I hate the world today
You’re so good to me, I know
But I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe I’m an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you’d be so confused
I don’t envy you
I’m a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

I’m a bitch, I’m a lover
I’m a child, I’m a mother
I’m a sinner, I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your hell, I’m your dream
I’m nothin’ in between
You know, you wouldn’t want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean you’ll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
And I’m going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change and today won’t mean a thing

I’m a bitch, I’m a lover
I’m a child, I’m a mother
I’m a sinner, I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your hell, I’m your dream
I’m nothin’ in between
You know, you wouldn’t want it any other way

Just when you think you've got me figured out
The season's already changin’
I think it’s cool you do what you do
And don’t try to save me

I’m a bitch, I’m a lover
I’m a child, I’m a mother
I’m a sinner, I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your hell, I’m your dream
I’m nothin’ in between
You know, you wouldn’t want it any other way

I’m a bitch, I’m a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you're hurt
When you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numbed
I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

Current Mood: contemplative

(8 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments
 
[User Picture]
From:catwoman69y2k.insanejournal.com
Date:January 6th, 2009 05:10 am (UTC)
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We have so much in common (being just one of the guys, getting labeled as a slut, having many different peer groups) that its scary
[User Picture]
From:shirhkhan
Date:January 6th, 2009 06:31 am (UTC)
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Hey Jess:

I still love ya just as you are. You're still so tiny I can pick you up- even in your fursuit (so you should remember me now, from the AC...two years ago? when I picked ya up at the elevators) (not sure how much of an impression I've made on ya over the years- gotta try to refresh your memory!) and I would be pleased to get to know you more. I'll say sorry about the stuff going on with Tim, and if you need one other person to lean on and vent to, ya got me, if ya want me.
Despite all, I hope you'll be at AC again this year! *snugs*
[User Picture]
From:wlfdog
Date:January 8th, 2009 11:01 pm (UTC)
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Of course I remember you! ;) And thanks hon. :) I will be at AC this year, yes. It's been far too long since I've gone to a convention. Looking forward to seeing you there! ^^ *snugs*
[User Picture]
From:rexxwolfe
Date:January 6th, 2009 07:54 am (UTC)
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I think yes you have a few things you definitely need to grow on and work on but your not that bad. Paying attention to other peoples feelings is a skill thats hard to master for many trying to put others before yourself is also very hard for many but i know you'll come out of this fine. If anything this time i think your really trying to go on that self discovery and self awareness journey and yoru learning much about yourself and the world around you. Just know you cant control everything silly

* hugs*
[User Picture]
From:wlfdog
Date:January 8th, 2009 11:01 pm (UTC)
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*hugs* Murrr.
[User Picture]
From:iron_raptor
Date:January 6th, 2009 07:54 am (UTC)
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I love ya for who you are. Some see you as a chameleon, I think of it I think as... "mirroring".

But you are an awesome person, and I feel safe hanging around you and being my letcherous self and not have to worry about being judged. Feels good. :D
[User Picture]
From:jaxxblackfox
Date:January 7th, 2009 12:04 am (UTC)
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Hey.... I used to beat the crap out of bullies when I was in grade school too! Anybody who fucked with my little bro or tried to take me on ended up with cuts, bruises and bite-wounds. Seriously. I was not one to fuck with. XD
[User Picture]
From:wlfdog
Date:January 8th, 2009 11:02 pm (UTC)
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*lol* I can believe that. ;) We is two tough bitches, yo. ;-D
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